Untitled Beginnings

Book 1

The Laborer

Freshly clothed trees complimenting a backdrop of bright blue skies slid past Evan Palletaun as he drove toward his future. Commencements, a ceremony he hadnt cared for and had immediately forgotten, were an hour gone and the empty leather carrier for a forestry diploma he hadnt yet received lay disregarded in the passenger seat of his Subaru Forester. (That choice had been obvious enough for him)
College was the past, and Evan had never dwelt on the past. Ahead was the future; a job he could see the outcome of. There had been a safer route, a route more than a few had goaded him to take, which would have lead to just enough of a life. But in Evan's mind a safe and known path lead only to stagnation, which was far from living and worse than any death. So he had chosen the unknown. Or, rather, the short-sighted. It was a GS-4 position within the forest service, a job he was more than capable of and qualified for, but a job that would allow him to see a number of options from a vantage point that was secure enough to allow for clear assessment, but not comfortable enough to make an assessment seem unnecessary.
Still, he shook his head as he drove on, wondering at the safe route. Why had he always taken ways more challenging? True, he'd graduated after four years at the age of twenty-one and was on track to become a doctor by thirty, but it was not without its complications, putting things mildly. There were people, he knew, that were quite comfortable with mediocrity. It was obviously plausible or there would be no middle class. Yet he was repelled by the thought of everything that lifestyle encompassed as if it were a disease one could contract through apathy.
How was entering below that tier justifiable? Truthfully he did not know. It had just felt like the way to go about it. And Evan was never one to let emotion cloud reason. It wasn't something he was about to delve into in the hour he had left on the road. While it was true that not knowing one's course of action could be detrimental he felt that a certain amount of uncertainty was necessary. After all, to know the future is to be trapped by it.
These thoughts persisted in Evan's mind even as he first saw the sign pointing to the Forest Service headquarters where he was to report. It was by then Sunday evening and he was to start Monday morning as a maintenance man. The air had lent itself to a crispness reminiscent of a dryer fall rather than spring as he felt it through an opened window while slowing down to try to catch the attention of a bearded, shaggy young man determinetly mowing the entrance to the place.
"Excuse me! I'm starting here tomorrow! Is there anyone to let me in the place?" His cries were heard and the man turned a key to silence the machine.
"Are you Evan, then?" Evan nodded, wondering at an accent he could not quite place. "Right. Natalie's waiting for you at the office. Just keep going straight down this road. You really can't miss it. There's the sheds where these are parked..." he slapped the side of his steed, and then the office. "They're both on the right. Only two places on the right. Half a mile down." Evan thanked him without even thinking to ask his name and headed down the winding road, hearing the lawnmower growl back to life behind him.
The office, like the fellow mowing the lawn had said, was obvious when Evan came upon it. There was a lone yellow light shining in one room along a small series of windows but no movement within. He assumed, since he had been told, that the office would be open and that a woman named Natalie would be waiting for him. He had no idea what she did or why she was there on a Sunday (for that matter, why was the lawn being mowed on a Sunday?) But he was glad for it when the handle turned easily under his hand.
Evan immediately noticed that there was only the most subtle change of temperature in the building. There was also almost no smell. The place seemed as though it wanted to not exist even in a memory. He walked through the dark that wasn't dark at all until he came upon the small office hed seen the light from. Sitting at a computer was a beautiful young woman with long dark hair constrained by a loose ponytail wearing a modest wool sweater and jeans. This surprised Evan because he had never thought of anyone with any kind of position within the government as being so near his own age. Yet here she was.
"You must be Evan." There was nothing unusual in her tone or voice and that in itself seemed to belong to the place. She looked up at him with a practiced warm expression obviously waiting for him to speak.
"I am. You must be Natalie." Not knowing what to expect from her forced him to replicate the inflections in her voice. He had seen people before like what he presumed her to be. People who were not taken seriously; judged on age rather than ability. That made some people strive to achieve such a perfection and prestige that it took something of their humanity away from them. Sometimes it ground them into something unrecognizable. Avoiding those things was the reason Evan had chosen the path he had.
"I was told you were waiting for me."
"I was." The tone in her voice made it obvious that his being there was hardly the reason for hers. Evan found himself internally shaking his head with a sadness for her he knew he had no place in expressing. She was so beautiful, but what she was doing to herself would turn hideous so quickly...
He dismissed it and continued because he knew she wouldn't. "If you could just point me to where I can unload, Id be grateful."
"No," she said, "I'll give you a little orientation." There were so many meaning in the first complete sentence she had given him. Meanings within meanings. There was a sense of relaxation there which almost downplayed the overriding inconvenience she was not purposely making obvious. It was where that hint of relaxation in her had sprung from that stirred Evan. It seemed as though she would have been perfectly comfortable giving him two word answers to everything she would ever say to him except that she had come to a decision about something. What that decision had been was the mystery Evan grappled with as he climbed into a spotless white government truck with her.
They went first down a strip of pavement which horseshoed around the office. It lead to a large and well built log cabin guarded by a few antique trucks. She put her vehicle in park but did not turn the engine off.
"This is where you'll stay. I assume you've already met Frederic. He and two others live here. You'll meet them tomorrow morning. We can go in if you'd like."
"As long as it's open I can figure it out. I don't mean to take up too much of your time." Her shoulders relaxed at this small implied courtesy and he had her. His initial assumptions had been correct. Instead of pleasing him he felt a sadness for her in its certainty. Natalie was one who thrived on a fearful respect because it was the only thing she saw as a form of admiration. But to come to that end at such a young age left Evan reeling at the implications the realization demanded. In the second he thought things through she shifted gears and they retreated from the cabin and back up the road past the office to travel to the other end of the horseshoe.
This is my house. Again, there were nuances that couldnt be ignored. It was as though she didnt want to reveal so much about herself, as if everything in her had been laid out to be scrutinized with this tiniest personal admittance. She wasted no time in retracing their steps but Evan took in the scene in that narrow window. Hers was a small ranch style home with a well manicured lawn and a gated backyard. A Subaru Outback was the soul occupant of a driveway crested with a basketball hoop in disrepair. He noticed the log cabin could be seen from the driveway across a small bog that made a better fence than any person could erect. He also noticed how ugly the cabin looked in the same frame as her house. And in that frame he saw what shed decided him to be: fitting that cabin. He must have been far from someone who could appreciate what she was; had achieved. He saw that she was embracing and perpetuating the prejudice she must have spent so much time trying to prove she was not a part of. It was the easy out. A new wave of sympathy for her washed over him as they went past the office and down to what he knew must have been the garages and shops. She confirmed it and they quickly went on.
Darkness was setting in when they got back to the office and suddenly Evan felt tired. Pity had a strange way of doing that to a person. They went into a conference room consisting of a decades old library along one wall, tables and chairs for twenty, and a small tv and VCR. She found and put in a tape and joined him in one of the padded office chairs. It was a fifteen minute video about the forest system her agency managed. It was nothing terribly engaging. Evan spent the duration of the film taking in his surroundings and trying to read the only person on the property hed spent any length of time with.
When the video was over it was clear the orientation was as well. Natalie stood up and busied herself with shutting down the conference room. Evan stood up as well noting the complete lack of attention she paid to whether he was still in the room or not.
"What do you do here?" He asked blatantly. She looked up from the cabinet where she was replacing the video with a shocked expression on her face. Their eyes met briefly before she regained composure and put her eyes back to her business.
"I'm the Refuge Biologist." She closed the closet and faced him. "What are you doing?"
"I'm a maintenance worker."
"That's not what I meant." Evan knew it. "I saw your application. We all saw it. You have a Masters in Forestry. What are you doing-You know what? It's none of my business."
"The danger in any absolute lies in what happens when you discover that there are no absolutes." He stared blankly at her as she furrowed her brow and dismissed the sentence. "Well. I should get going. I'm sure I have a busy day ahead of me." He turned to go but before he had gone a step-
"Wait. What did you mean by that?" Evan turned slowly and deliberately to meet her questioning gaze. He thought about passing it off as he had her first question but decided against it. She did not strike him as a person that would have too much patience for idle banter.
"What you think you know, especially what you think you know of someone, is rarely entirely true. It's all dynamic." He waved a hand at the walls. "We're," he pierced her stare with cold sobriety, "Always moving. Changing. Thats all." He turned again.
"I didn't mean to offend you..." It wasn't the right thing to say, but Natalie had felt the need for some kind of rebuttal, however feeble.
"You didn't offend me." He said with his back to her and an uncontrolled sadness in his voice. "You just didn't see it." He walked resolutely out the door, leaving her holding onto a chair in the middle of an empty, darkening room wondering what she was supposed to have seen.

Natalie glanced out her kitchen window as she washed the few dishes that had accrued there and saw Evan in front of his cabin stretching before a run. She had not spoken to him since the awkward exchange in the office the first day he arrived almost two weeks before but she could see that he had indeed been right. He was not like the others he lived with; the two drunkards and the French-Canadian. There was no waste to him. Not his body, nor his mind, nor his time. Everything he did seemed to be accounted for. It seemed as though he had such control over everything in his surroundings. He was a human machine, nothing extra or frivolous that she could see.
For instance, she knew that he was stretching to run because shed seen it every day since he'd arrived. The others in his cabin would be drinking as soon as they stepped in their door and wouldn't stop until they ran dry or passed out. She didn't know where he ran, only that he was gone for an hour. His stretches seemed to be something more, a fluidity derived from a disciplined regime she didn't know.
The more she watched, the more she wondered. Here was a person who had put himself in an environment he wasn't meant to be in; didn't have to be in. And she knew, even though it was an invasion on him and out of character for her, that after his physical ritual there would be a mental one. Her kitchen faced his living room and shed watched him reading mammoth dusty volumes she couldnt see but doubted were filled with pulp. An occasional game of cribbage with Frederic was the only deviation. Even as Phil and Randy drank their minds away and watched trash movies he sat and read in an ancient orange easy chair by the fireplace oblivious to the debauchery.
She turned away from the window and started putting away dishes. There was a knock on the door that almost made her drop the Pyrex measuring glass she was holding. She immediately thought there was something happening on the property that needed her attention and with a sigh strode to the door. What greeted her was not a problem but a question.
"Would you like to go for a run?" Evan was at her door leaning on the sill as though he came to her house every day to ask the same question. She stared because she didn't know how to respond. She had only turned her back to the window for a second!
"I see you watching me every day. I thought it would be rude to not ask you along if you were interested." Her eyes went uncontrollably wide. "You're not the only one who pays attention to their surroundings, Natalie."
"I..." But she was a very intelligent woman and composed herself beautifully. She countered: "What do you read?" Even as she said this she was reeling from his knowledge of her actions. She suddenly felt how terrible it would be to disappoint this man in her doorway. Her attempt to put him off by seeming in control of the situation was pointless. She saw he was more comfortable than she could be.. And why not? She was the eavesdropper. A wry grin almost showed itself on her outwardly stern face. Of course that was not the reason, she knew. It mattered not who was the instigator. Calmness was the nature of this man. She knew it as surely as she knew nothing else about him.
"Ahh. I read about things I aspire too. Histories of great people who are still remembered today. Immortals, as much as anyone could be."
"Who?" She cursed herself for not being able to defend her pride in a more dignified or intelligent manner.
"Alexander the Great. Cleopatra. Winston Churchill. Kings. Queens. Rebels. They all have a place. Surrounding yourself with greatness-"
"Is the surest way of achieving it." She found her voice in a quotation memorized in highschool. He nodded an acknowledgment befitting an equal and she realized what had confused her about him. He didn't think of her as a greater rank. Even his house mates, though she knew they despised her, payed her a courtesy because of this. He held no malice toward her simply because she was somewhere he wasn't. It was because, she realized, he could be her equal. Was her equal. Why he didnt act on it was still as confusing to her as it had ever been.
"What are you doing?" She asked, more to herself than him.
"Asking you for a run." She knew he wasn't teasing her or trying to avoid anything. It was in fact the only reason he had come over.
"I...I dont run." He smiled and nodded once quickly and curtly as though shed dismissed him. She didn't want to give him that impression. She had lied, of course, and he knew it. Of course she ran. Why she had lied she wasn't sure, but immediately wished she hadn't. Wait. Damn him, she never admitted a wrong! What was he doing to her? "I didn't mean that. I do. Run." She stopped and after a pause of silence from both sides he spoke.
"Right then. You just don't want to." His smile wasn't sarcastic or smart. Natalie saw in his expression a look of sadness for her which inflamed her with a need to justify herself to him. He had hinted before to her that night in the office that she shouldnt judge him, and here he was- But looking at him waiting for her she realized another wrinkle in the ways of him. He wasn't judging. There was a lack of it in him that shed never seen before. Evan was leaving it to her entirely to let him know her. The thought of that empowerment frightened Natalie and for a moment they shared an empathy for one another not born of the same reasons but carrying the same weight. And they knew it.
She knew that if she didnt revert to her comfort of being in control she would lose him to uncertainty.
"Would you like to come in?"
"Well, I'm in no condition to enjoy your company right now... But perhaps later this evening." She nodded. He smiled and was gone before she could breathe.
Natalie closed the door and shook her head. When she took in her surroundings she realized she was leaning against the door staring at her feet. Had she invited him into her house? Was that herself that had done that? That pompous-! Remembering his eyes, cold-blue but honest, she stopped a useless and misdirected rant. The rumors that would begin if they saw him leaving her house in the middle of the night!

He came as he said he would an hour and a half later. It was dark out; she ushered him in hurriedly. What was going to happen this night? She secretly hoped that her worst and original suspicions about him would come true and she would be able to wash her hands of the whole matter.
He entered her house with an un-nervous fluidity that suggested he belonged there as much as Natalie belonged. "Would you mind if I made some tea?" He asked. She shrugged subtly and he moved to her stove. There was no kettle but he made due with a pan into which he poured water and honey. "It's a detoxifying tea. Very helpful." She stood next to him and regained her courage (after all, it was her house) as he watched the water boil and prepared his tea, which was brought out of a small mesh bag and looked more like twigs than leaves. When the water was hot enough she brought two thick mugs into which he steeped the tea. Before he finished he pulled out a flask and poured just a splash into each mug. She looked at him questioningly.
"With every bit of medicine must come a little poison." She immediately thought the worst.
"What is it?" She demanded, more pleading than she wanted to sound.
"Just spiced rum." He held it out to her and she smelled.
"It's just that..."
"I understand. Shall we?" He pocketed the flask and waited for her word. She silently walked into her living room and heard him follow. She sat in the lone chair making him sit on the couch to quell any intentions he might have. Truth be told, she planned to figure this man out that night. There was something to him, something he was, that she wanted to be able to know and place for her own piece of mind. Once this was done, she was finished with his enigma.
Except she didnt know how to begin.
"You want to know about me.' He began for her, pausing to drink deeply from the steaming cup held in both his hands like a treasure. "What is it you want to know?"
There could be nothing but honesty with him. She sensed that he would be able to discern anything else. "Why havent you used your degree?" She asked. "I know the work a Masters entails. To go through with that work you must have something in mind."
"Hmmm. What would you say if I told you I want to be remembered?"
"I'd say this was a poor way to start." She found herself leaning closer to him, aching for answers when he gave only riddles. "But I want you to tell me what you mean."
"The problem is, you look out of a very small window to see your world. Its all right; most people do. But I have a larger landscape in my head of what will happen to me. Everything I do is a part of it, no matter how off-track it may seem. You think I'm hiding from responsibility or what I've earned by choosing my work here." He paused to drink again. When he looked up there was a fierce blue fire in his eyes she had never seen in a man and for the rest of her life never would in another. "But I'm embracing it, Natalie." It looked as though he was about to crumble the mug to powder between his hands so intense was the sense of purpose he exuded.
The next realization that came to her was that she had moved to the couch. There was nothing rational about the change that she could have explained. She didn't know why she was there. Just that she needed to see that fire again. Her face was inches from his and yet he didn't move a muscle. She swayed to within a hair of those eyes and still he did not move. There was no expression in his eyes save a cold blue determination that had been there before her. Her mouth hovered in front of his until finally her lips pressed into his. They didn't touch one another and barely breathed. It was over as quickly as it had begun and Natalie pulled away while coming to the realization of her actions.
"You kissed me even though you think I'm a fool?" He asked. She knew he meant the physical act of what she had done and nothing more and had known exactly the words that would ignite a passion within her.
"I don't think youre a fool! I just don't understand you. But I need to."
He saw it was the most honest and straightforward sentence shed ever spoken to him."There will be time enough for that, if you like."
"You'll not get off with any passing comment in my house. You came here for a reason. You came to share." She had a confidence now not born of necessity but because she thought she was beginning to understand him. "Why do you want to be famous?" It was a wrongfully worded question and she knew it purposefully. He played into it, knowing as a person knows he must sacrifice a rook to gain a queen later.
"Not famous, Natalie. Remembered. Fame is for rock stars and baseball players. I want to be remembered. You'll ask me why so I'll say it now. I want to know that I've done everything I possibly can as a human being to be remembered. Do you want to know what terrifies me? What wakes me up at night in a cold sweat? Mediocracy. Being just another person on this planet making the same contributions as everyone else. I know I can do more than that. So I have to try. Selfish?"
He was offering her a way out with words but she knew better than to take it because he didnt himself believe them.
"I still don't understand, Evan. But I would like to try." She stared at a triangle of khaki couch between his thigh and hers trying to make sense of events shed never imagined would have happened ..."You were right. I didnt expect you."

How Am I Different? Chapter 6

Chapter 6

I want life in every word to the extent

that its absurd - - The Postal Service

After another month Abe's apartment had become a different beast entirely. He still had not passed judgment on his new surroundings because there were too many variables to contend with. For one thing the rooms smelled sweeter than they ever had; scents would pause to mingle in doorways and swirl around the hallways with drafts. Some of the new decor was a nice change of pace as well. Abe had always had a passive appreciation for flowers although he had never bothered to pick a favorite or learn more than a few of their names. Johanna introduced dried flora to almost every room in very subtle arrangements that lent the apartment color but saved it from looking like a crafts store.

There were, however, changes that were harder for the newly converted bachelor to contend with. The medicine cabinet, and most of the bathroom for that matter, no longer existed as he had known it. There were bottles and vials and linens and things that Abe was not even sure he was allowed to touch, let alone know what their purpose was. He felt like a timid guest in the bathroom of a seldom-visited great-aunt.

Abe's biggest worry through the whole process was non-existent, to his great relief. He and Johanna got along splendidly; as far as he could tell.

The twelfth of June was Johanna's last day of school. She popped her shoes onto the mat under the old wooden coat rack inside the door of the apartment which was to the point of becoming habit.

"Abe?" He was not in his usual spot, determinately sitting in front of his laptop at his desk trying to become a daytime writer so that he could spend the nights with her.

Johanna did not hear any water running so the kitchen and the bathroom were ruled out. She casually looked for a note but did not see one. She stuck out her bottom lip in confusion because Abe had never not been in his apartment when she came home from work. She supposed that he had no reason to be there any day of the week anyways and a million excuses to wander the streets but-

"You were looking for me. I caught you."

"Abraham! I was not!" Johanna tried to turn but Abe pressed her shoulders to the couch with his forearms. He kissed her neck and lingered with her fading perfume for a moment.

"Hhmm...What are you doing?"

"You're on vacation. I thought that was a pretty special thing, so I made us something." Before Johanna could ask Abe led her into the presumed to be empty kitchen. On the table was a bottle of what Johanna could immediately see was a very expensive bottle of wine and a plate of cheeses, crackers, and pates to compliment the Caberneigh. A diagonal trio of white tea light candles burned between two huge purple irises in the center of the table.

Abe pulled out one of the chairs he had squeezed to one end of the small table and beckoned Johanna to sit. She did without a word and Abe sat beside her. He slid one of the already full wine glasses to her fingertips and took the other for himself. Before she could speak Abe clicked their glasses together and drank. Johanna followed suit.

"What are you doing?" Johanna finally reiterated.

"Just a toast to your year. I wasn't there for all of it, but I hope to be here for the last of it. I thought we could eat until were full and drink a bottle of good wine, then walk uptown and see a movie. If we need something else we can find a deli or something later tonight."

"Abe, you don't need to..."

"I just forget to tell you how much I like you sometimes. I'm trying to catch up."

"You tell me that all the time, Abe," Johanna felt tears welling.

"Not as much as I should."

There was no stopping the dew from collecting on Johanna's cheeks then but her smile branched the water away from her chin. Abe waited for Johanna to flick her emotion away before he refilled her glass.

"Eat. I don't even know what some of this stuff is, so I hope you like it. This woman downtown picked this all out for me from the wine. Can you believe that there are people that know that kind of stuff?" Johanna laughed and shook her head.

"You're playing The Cardigans, too. You're so nice," Johanna smiled.

"They're your favorite."

"I know. You're unbelievable." Johanna kissed him to emphasize her point.

"It's fun for me to see you happy. Is that so wrong?"

"No, but shouldn't you be watching football or be playing poker or something better than this?"

"Come now, you know me better than that. I hang out with Elliott all day and turn down his offers to go to the bar with the rest of his friends. I have plenty of time to listen to music and second-hand smoke while youre out making a respectable living."

"Don't be modest. You cranked out that book in double time and they ate it up."

"Still havent quite figured that one out. It was just supposed to be a smokescreen."

Johanna shook her head in exasperation. "Whatever you do works for you. That's all that really matters." In between the banter they were making good progress on both the wine and hors d'oeuvres. Johanna was coyly sizing up Abe from the top of her eyelids the entire time.

"When I figure out what you've got up your sleeve its all over. You know that, dont you?" Abe simply nodded.

After another moment he extinguished the candles and swirled the last of the wine into their glasses. He drew a pitcher of water for Johannas irises without asking and put them back in the middle the table.

"To Gusto," Abe toasted. Johanna knew what he meant and after brushing the lip of his glass with hers he drained its contents in one measured swallow.

Before she could move Abe pressed his palm to the small of Johannas back and curled her into his arms.

"I love you; a lot."

"Aww, I love you too, sweet boy." Abe smile and let Johanna go to find her jacket.

They walked out into an air full of tones that were just beginning to be noticeable with the warming air. Sounds were deeper, smells were awakened, and they could feel swirls of everything else crashing into their bare skin as they walked the blocks past Abe's apartment building.

"It feels like there should be a soundtrack playing for us right now," Abe said absently.

"You're such a sap," Johanna told him but nonetheless clung a bit closer even though there was no real reason to do so.

"I just like music. I'd also like a soundtrack when I shower in the morning."

"You make one up, I've heard you." Abe blushed.

"You know, I'd never be strolling around at night like this if it wasnt for you. It's nice."

"How are things coming with the new project?" Johanna was talking about their joint venture.

"You know as much as I do. I have this feeling that I'll keep writing until a good end point becomes obvious."

"Oh yeah?" Johanna sounded a bit apprehensive of Abes reasoning.

"Not serious or anything. Don't worry about that. I mean, some conclusion we draw together or challenge or whatnot. Normal climax fodder. Could be something subtle. Just because we might end up together for ever and merrily after doesnt mean we can keep writing about it. That bit has to end sometime."

Johanna nodded in thought. "Hopefully we'll get some good material with me being on vacation."

"Hopefully. I'll probably end up thinking of something grand to write about in the meantime anyways. You develop certain habits even in a career as loosely defined as mine."

"More fluff?"

"Nothing but. It's nice though. Like you said once- a mental recess. The, um, factory belt part of the job. Automatic stuff."

They fell silent save the clack of Johannas shoes. She stayed close to Abe with an arm slung loosely through the handle his arm became when his hand was stuffed into his coat pocket. They walked the blocks smiling at their surroundings more than one another. Johanna was happy to be free of responsibilities for a couple of months and Abe was in a good mood for no particular reason. He was in high spirits most of the time since Johanna had come into his life and he was starting to believe that all those statistics about good health and cheer being related to ones relationship status may have had some truth to them.

Their arrival to the theatre was realized by a slightly thickened crowd milling around the ticket window facing the street. They stared up at the letterbox for a couple of moments before deciding on Shop Girl which, Abe informed Johanna, was originally a novelette by Steve Martin.

"Of course youd pick a book," Johanna teased.

"Hey, I fell into it and only have to answer to me. You, on the other hand, try to convince impressionable young people that its a worthwhile pursuit."

"I think it's paid off for both of us so far," she quipped. Abe could not argue and so he followed Johanna through the doors and found their screen.

"What an oddly quiet evening," Johanna commented as she hung her jacket on the backside of the apartment's only door. "We never sit in front of the TV and zone out. We hardly said a word on the walk either."

"You're right. Maybe the wine glazed us," Abe had bent over his laptop to check his email without bothering to take his outerwear off.

"We did drink the whole bottle before dark."

"I guess we're fortunate to be so interesting," Abe ventured.

"What are we going to do tomorrow? For the rest of the summer, for that matter. Oh, God, were not going to get sick of one another are we? Are we going to be on top of each other? If you have things to do during the daywhat do you do during the day?"

"Johanna, Johanna; youre making my head spin." Abe clicked out of Yahoo! and pulled her to the couch. "I have no idea what were going to do. And I have no idea what I do during the day; I never really pay attention. But I thought we would sleep in and then lie in bed wide-awake for an hour or so just because we finally can. Then we can go get bagels and coffee for brunch. I've got nothing after that."

"That's what you do every day, isn't it?"

"Because it's a very enjoyable way to spend the morning."

"Rub it in. I suppose we'll end up at the record shop?"

"Why, that sounds like a splendid idea, if I do say so myself."

Johanna rolled her eyes. "I wonder if all those bleeding hearts know that youre what they mean by supporting the arts?"

"You flatter me, darling." Abe stared at Johanna for a moment, taking in her eyes and the scarf that was always present around her neck or in her hair in random colors. It was funny how any tint that accessory boasted seemed to pull her eyes to a different hue.

"Do you know how often I want to tell you I love you and how beautiful you are and have to hold myself back? It's very frustrating." Johanna smiled, which only added to her un-attempted allure.

"Don't do that. It only makes it worse. Now I'm going to have to kiss you and probably tell you all those things anyways." He did.

"Hhmm. Do you have to write tonight?"

"No. I planned on taking a week off for you."

"Aw."

"Well, a week for me is..."

"Still," Johanna wrapped her arms around Abe's neck and pulled his forehead to hers. "So, what do you want to do now?"

"Guess."

"I like this," Johanna had kicked her hemp sandals off and was curling her toes around the wrought iron leg of the table she and Abe were occupying the next morning.

"We do this all the time," Abe said. He was still soaking his girlfriend in with amazement over her surprising energy the past night.

"I know, but now I have nothing hanging over my head, no commitments. Is this what it's like?"

"I guess. It seems a bit more thrilling for you."

"You're too used to it. We should go to the record store. I was kidding before, but I mean it now. I know you go there almost every day."

"I do not."

"Yes you do. And I don't want things to be any different. Unless me going makes things different."

"Elliott and I sit around for a couple of hours, drink coffee, act cynicalIts not very inspiring, to tell the truth. I go there to be depressed. Thats not a very good way to describe it because its not as though I want to slit my wrists when I get back home, but, there's a vibe in that shop that I like. Maybe it's because there are far more pop songs about cruelties than triumphs. The very nature of a record store is gritty. At least one thats run properly. That's the word I was looking for. Gritty."

"Now you're making my head spin."

"I'm just saying. It's not the best light to see me in. I get out all the bitterness with Elliott. I think we pull it out of one another. That's how our relationship works."

"If you don't want me to come..."

"No, it's not that. I think it would be great to have a fresh voice in the conversation. Just don't expect me to be my rosy self. If I ever led anything like a double life, you would find my alter-ego at the record store, is all."

"Well, isn't part of this whole relationship thing knowing all there is to know about one another? I doubt I would think any less of you because you get bitter every once in a while. Honestly, it sounds like a very healthy way to go about it, really. I mean, you don't drink it down, you never get cross with me. Is that where you get it all out?" Abe thought about it, shrugged, and nodded.

"Fair warning."

"Let's go."

"Morning, Sir," Abe greeted Elliott. The proprietor was in his usual stance; slumped over a magazine at the counter.

"Abraham. And you brought the Missus."

"She wanted A Day in the Life." The guys laughed at the Beatles reference while Johanna looked as confused as Jessica Simpson eating tuna.

Elliott poured fresh(ish) cups of coffee and joined his guests on the couch in the middle of the stores main floor.

"So, what's new today?" Abe asked.

"I checked out All-American Quarterback. It was Ben Gibbards first mainstream-ish band. They're not very good, but historically you can see how he got his start." Abe told Johanna who Ben Gibbard was and waited for Elliott to roll his eyes. He was cordial. The dynamic had changed. Elliott flicked his finger across a remote that had long since lost the ink under its buttons and The Postal Service was soon swirling around the room just loud enough to make the music another member of the part; exactly the way Abe and Elliott liked it.

"Ryan Adams was on Austin City Limits the other night. Mostly songs from Cold Roses. Good music, but it would be a hell of a boring concert. He barely moved. He's not doing heroin or anything these days, is he?"

"Not as far as Ive heard. He's going emo, though. That's what they do." Abe nodded and again Johanna was lost. The guys rambled on until their cups were empty. Abe could have stayed for another round but it was Johanna who was on her vacation and by that point she was just being gracious.

"Let's get out of Elliotts way, hey? He's got business to conduct, after all. No one had been in the shop but the three of them the whole time."

After a short farewell Abe and Johanna re-acquainted themselves with the warming midday air. There was a thin crowd to keep pace with on the sidewalks but it was no problem for either of them since at that point there was more coffee than food fueling their gate.

"It's nice to be able to be outside without extra clothes," Johanna said, "I hate wearing all that stuff."

"Why in the world are you still living in Chicago, then?"

"If I weren't I would have never met you, now would I?" Abe knew that Johanna wanted to stay close to her family and so suffered through winters she would have rather done without.

"Maybe we should go on a summer vacation," Abe said.

"Don't be silly."

"Why is that silly? We've got the money for it. Let's hop on a plane and go somewhere. We could go to Expedia and check out those vacation packages. I think they have good deals if you're willing to go whenever. Which we are, really. And we should be able to find something like that out of O'Hare."

"You have to work."

"I can bring my laptop with me. That's the whole point of the damned thing, really."

"Would you actually get any work done?"

"That's not really the point of a vacation, Doll. What's a week? I was going to take a week off with you anyways. We may as well be sitting on a beach somewhere rather than my couch. Come on, at least look with me."

"If you insist," Johanna smiled. She squeezed Abe's hand affectionately. He glanced a kiss off the side of her head and they hopped up the stairs in front of his building.

"Ok," Abe said, swirling his neck and cracking his knuckles as though he were a pianist. He played Expedia and the site popped up on his screen. Here we goVegas-eh. MiamiThat could be fun. But it would probably be really crowded. It would be nice to find a medium-sized place. Johanna hummed musically behind Abe. Her arms were crossed over the back of her chair and her rear was in the air as though she were impersonating a cat.

"I'm going to get some juice. Do you want some?" Abe nodded. Johanna kissed the side of his neck before jumping up and sliding to the kitchen. When she came back with glasses of Welch's Abe had found their vacation

"Virginia Beach. $599 for five days with a rental car. Look, there's the hotel right on the beach and it says the strip is on the other side."

"Have you ever been there?"

"No. I think it's pretty touristy, but at least we'll be able to say we've been there."

"Five days?"

"That's the deal. Abe smiled at Johanna's hesitation. Let's take a chance."

"$1200 before food and everything?"

"Maybe two grand total? What's money for anyways? Please? I wanna go to the beach!"

Johanna rolled her eyes. "Fine. We are saving some money living together." Abe nodded, needing little justification for his own peace of mind. He booked the trip before Johanna could think about it any more.

"It's official. We leave Monday."

"Monday!?"

"That's the deal part. It's last-minute stuff."

"It's Saturday today!"

"Oh Lord, won't you buy me a Mercedes Benz..."

"I knew you'd warm up to this," Abe cajoled, squeezing Johanna's shoulder as she made blueberry smoothies in the kitchen on the morning of their flight to Virginia Beach. Johanna smiled in spite of herself and continued blending their breakfast.

Abe had noticed that over the last few months Johanna had started making him feel great in unplanned ways as well. His diet had improved in leaps and bounds with Johanna at the helm. Abe would normally drink a cup of coffee or three around eleven in the morning then move on to things that were either pre-packaged in his freezer or meals that entailed boiling water and adding butter with what came in the box. He had lost fourteen pounds and Johanna held him to one mug of coffee in the morning under the guise of expensive, organic, shade grown, yadda, yadda, yadda beans. He would rebel if she weren't right. At least she didnt make him admit anything.

Abe drank his smoothie sitting next to Johanna at the table. With a minimal amount of grief they had packed the evening prior. Johanna, apparently, had nothing to wear. Abe had wondered aloud if the comment was a philosophical argument, as the closet was bursting with Johanna's clothing. For his effort at supposition Abe received a slug in the arm.

"You know, it will be nine months this week," Johanna mused.

"You're right. You're barely showing." It took Johanna just a moment.

"Ow! Thats the same arm you hit last night!"

"Jerk! Barely showing? What does that mean?" Johanna was smiling and Abe was unabashedly giggling.

"Nothing. Just being clever."

"Who says you're even the father of this one?"

"I thought that busboy at the restaurant the other day was a little too friendly."

"We'll have to do something special."

"Sweetheart, I planned this whole trip around our nine month anniversary. It's the most important one."

"Bullshit. You didn't know until I told you."

"You caught me. Dammit, I could have saved a lot of money if I'd waited another three months to do this.

I'd be in school, remember?"

"Why weren't you the day we met, then?"

"It was a Saturday, dweeb." Abe nodded thoughtfully.

"You're right. I'm not very good at this. Perhaps that's why this has been my longest relationship ever."

"You think?" Johanna asked sarcastically. "I just know you're going to be worth it eventually."

"You keep hoping, baby. Whatever keeps the tears away at night." Abe shook the laughter out of his head and took their empty glasses to the sink.

"Ready to get going?"

"Mmhh Hhmm. Will you carry the big bag for me?"

"Of course. You have your set of keys just in case, right?" Johanna nodded and after a half-dozen other last minute checks were rattled off they were out on the sidewalk hailing a cab.

"Here we go, Abe said, and kissed Johanna for luck as they drove towards O'Hare."

"I haven't been out of Chicago in so long. This was a good idea," Johanna checked herself by adding, "Don't get all I told you so on me."

"I would never. I hope we have time to grab something to eat before the flight."

"I tell you, if you're not thinking about sex, you're thinking about food."

"Well, I only ate once this morning. We had sex twice." The cabbie eyed them in the rearview mirror and snuffed.

"OW!" Abe yelped, massaging his freshly punched arm. "That's the third time!"

"Wow, this is nice," Johanna said, entering their room. It looked like a run-of-the-mill Ramada to Abe, but he soon saw what she was praising. The sliding glass door at the far end of the room opened out to a porch just wide enough to accommodate a pair of white plastic deck chairs and a small glass table looking out over a boardwalk, the beach, and the Atlantic. Abe had first thought that having a room on the top floor would be a hindrance but looking out over the railing he saw that the sidewalk and driveway catering to hotel traffic would be cut from their field of vision.

"What do you want to do first?" Johanna asked. It was just after noon, with an hour added for the new time zone.

"Let's get some lunch," there had not been time for a second breakfast during their stop in Cincinnati, "And then walk the boardwalk. Or the beach." Johanna nodded, settling the matter.

"This is a really nice place," Johanna said between bites of blackened sesame tuna, "And right here." They were in the hotel restaurant on the first floor of the building. It too, like all the rooms, looked out onto the beach. The sidewalk that they could not see from their room gave the open-air dining space they were in a pleasant feel of business; like their conversation would not be overheard for the bustle of vacationers. Johanna was growing fonder of their situation by the moment. Abe smiled at his girlfriend as he sipped Corona number two.

"And who was skeptical about five days here?"

"I told you not do get high and mighty on me, Abraham. It's not becoming at all." Johanna looked comically down her nose at Abe.

"Noted. Love you."

"I love you, too." Johanna finished her fish and they left the restaurant in favor of the boardwalk.

It was unlike a Hollywood boardwalk in the sense that there were no vendors or shops or street acts right along the beach. Those were all on the other side of their hotel. There were people, to be sure, but it was that kind of vacation destination and the two lovers went right along with it hand in hand along the planks.

"Im tired already," Johanna harrumphed, and belly-flopped onto the bed. Abe put a Colin Hay disc in the tinny silver boom box he had brought along for just such and occasion and sat next to his girl.

"Well, day one was probably our busiest. We were up at six in the morning."

"For the record, thats when I get up every day. But you're right." She rolled over so her head was in Abes lap. He swirled her bangs behind her ear then traced his fingers along her jaw and across her neck until the tips were snagged in the beginning of her shirt.

"I'm beginning to be glad we have five days of this instead of two or three. I haven't had nothing in so long. And I've never had it for so long with someone like you." Johannas cooing was growing steadily drowsier. Abe continued petting her until she fell into a light and flitting sleep. Before the cd was done playing she was awake again.

"I told you not to let me fall asleep."

"No you didn't," Abe said with a befuddled chuckle.

"Oh. I meant to. You should have known," she smirked back.

"You only slept for a half an hour or so anyways. It won't spoil you."

"I'm getting up right now or else I'm going to start getting girly on you and I know how you hate that."

"Yes; perish the thought." Abe helped Johanna to a sitting position, though she was still leaning heavily on his arm.

"Let's go have dinner. We can buy food tomorrow. If we hurry we can sit on the beach for the sunset."

"Hon-"

"What?"

"Never mind."

"What?"

"The sun sets in the west. The sun will rise on our ocean. We'll have to get up early for that."

"Oh." Johanna looked a bit crestfallen at the news.

"How about this: When we get back from dinner or whatever, we can look on the weather channel or find a newspaper or something to tell us when the sun comes up. We'll set our alarm clock and the coffee pot for it and sit out on the porch. We can always go back to bed afterwards if we want."

"Oh, that's such a good idea! We should at least do it for the very first one!" His quick thinking earned Abe a kiss, which his slowly recovering right arm was thankful for.

They left the room in search of a meal. They had a rental car in the hotel garage so they decided to take advantage of it and cruised the strip they had forgone earlier that day. A restaurant situated along side an inlet and a long dock caught Johannas attention so they stopped.

The building was constructed like a beached and neglected ship. It should have seemed cheesy, but it was sided with real planks of dilapidated timbers and although neither of them was anywhere near expert on Atlantic oceanic history, the portholes, lighting, and ornaments seemed believable.

They spent their meal trying to gush over one another; it was hard. They were at the beginning of their first vacation together at the end of the country; they were at the beginning of their relationship at the end of formalities. It was another chapter in the book Abe saw writing itself every day. He was more a scribe than an author, just trying to keep pace with fates dictation.

They made love as soon as they got back to their room even though they were full and exhausted because that appetite knew no courtesy and was just as persistent as any other.

Abe heard Johanna sleep as his eyes glazed over waiting for the weather channel to reveal the time of their first sunrise. HE set his alarm clock and coffee pot accordingly before curling into his spent lover.

How Am I Different? Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Take my hand, come with me

into this crystal scenery

It was good in the beginning - - Pete Yorn

"Yeah, Pete. It'll be in your hands by the end of the week. It's good. Well, it's the same as the other three which have all done the trick for us. You'll have to be the judge. I'm sure you will. No, I've still got that one going, but it's on the back burner right now." Abe looked into Johanna's eyes then and squeezed her hand as she sat beside him on his couch. "We gotta eat, right? All right, one week. Yes. Good. Good. Yup. Bye."

"That went well." Johanna commented when Abe hung up the phone.

"Well, it's done, but Pete's going to be earning his salary editing it. It's a nightmare." Abe had amazed himself in the previous two months, making five total since he had met Johanna, in that he had churned out the remaining two hundred pages of the fluff he had begun before they started on their dual work. The fire that lit under him was from wanting to be free to adopt the pace needed for a constantly unfolding and present tense work. It was the only pace that would do what they had both determined could be a pretty good work of art any justice.

With the finishing of the money book, as they had both come to call it, Abe gained himself such a pace-making window. The story, and likewise their relationship, had been coalescing quite nicely. Johanna had indeed been spending most of her free time in Abe's apartment. He had no objections. She got the hang of writing fiction (well, fact in fiction prose) and found it wasn't that far of a reach from things she had done in the past. The more they were together the more they found to love about one another and the more they wanted and indeed needed to be together. Johanna was a comfort to Abe when he was stressed out about deadlines and Abe was in turn a listening, concerned ear when Johanna needed to vent about politics in the workplace.

"Listen, Abe. I've got to ask you something." Abe gave her his attention but it was a moment before she spoke. "I... The... My nice little rent controlled refrigerator box is being torn down and turned into a condominium. I've been trying to find a place but I just can't. In another month I have to move out for good. Can I... I mean, if you don't want..." She was exasperated and truly nervous in front of Abe for the first time in a long time. They had only been together for five months, after all.

"You want to move in here?" Abe asked. Johanna nodded sheepishly. "Sure."

"That's it?" She asked, unwilling to believe him although Abe had never lied to her.

"Yeah, whatever you need, Johanna. If you want to find a new place, then fine. If you want to just stay here you can do that too."

Johanna had never thought about a permanent move into Abe's apartment. In truth she had dreaded having to think about asking him to live with her for even a few months. "You what?"

"If you want to move in, you can." She still could not believe the answer had come so easily.

"Well, it would just be for a little while...I wouldnt-"

"Johanna, relax." Abe took her in his arms and led her to the bed because it was about that time and he didnt feel like sitting at his desk anymore. "You know I love you. What do you think that means? I'll do whatever I can to help you with anything. Stay for as long as you want. I would love to have you. I can get you on the lease, if you want."

"Well, actually I never really thought more than a few months ahead, Abe. I didn't think of it as a permanent thing."

"It doesnt have to be. I don't mean to jump the gun. I just don't want you to think it's an inconvenience. Having you in my bed every night would be absolutely wonderful."

"You're absolutely wonderful." They made love with the lights burning and the bed made underneath them.

In the morning Johanna woke before Abe and got ready for school. She kissed his forehead on her way out the door and he stirred. She saw his eyes flutter open so she sat down beside him.

"Do you need help moving your stuff?" Abe said sleepily.

"Um, yeah. Thank you. Can you meet me after school?" He nodded. She slid down and nuzzled the smooth part of his neck for a moment. "I love you. I'll see you this afternoon."

"I love you too." He closed his eyes and Johanna kissed him again. Abe smiled and sighed with his eyes still closed.

"That's something," Elliott sighed and let out the rest of his breath with a nod of his head. He and Abe were sitting on the circa-1973 couch that took up a good portion of Elliott's makeshift living room in the front of the record store drinking coffee and watching over the empty establishment. Abe had just told Elliot about Johanna's move into his apartment which would be as official as it got later that afternoon when they moved her stuff into his place wherever it would fit.

"So you don't know if its going to be a permanent thing, hey?" Abe shook his head, not sure whether it would be or whether he wanted it to be. "Is she going to pay rent?"

Abe shook his head in question. "I never thought about it. Not if she only stays for a few months. It's not too hard to pull the wool over my landlord's eyes. She's been staying there most nights anyway. She'll need money for deposits and all that stuff if she finds somewhere new."

"But would you want it to be a permanent thing?" Abe thought that maybe Elliot had missed his calling after all. He told him he could be raking it in as a therapist.

"I don't know. Partly, yes. I love her and spend a lot of time with her and all that, but I've never done this before; lived with a woman. It's never come up. The 'no' side of me is mainly just scared, I guess. I'm seeing curtains and toilet shams and those cutesy little sock monkeys stuffed with beans or whatever that block drafts at the door."

"And how old is this girl? She looked young, but is she a friend of your grandmother's? Meet her at the nursing home and got cozy over Matlock, did you?"

Abe smiled and shook his head. "You see, my friend? I have no idea what I'm getting myself into here."

An actual patron of the variety that might actually buy a record miraculously clanged the bells on the door and the two sat up more out of surprise than an attempt to seem professional. Abe had always liked the fact that Elliot never hounded anyone in the store. Elliot in fact never even talked to anyone unless they approached him first. The most he ever did was change the music if he could peg the customer to a certain genre.

The guy (he looked like a White Stripes kind of guy) started rifling through cds somewhere in the vicinity of the M's (The Melvins, maybe?) And Elliot and Abe resumed both their terrible postures and conversation.

"You might have to put up with some potpourri in the bathroom or ornamental candles or some shit, but I don't think that's what you're really worried about. It's your space. You're a solitary dude. If she sees what you actually do all day she might take an inclination to turn you into a more productive member of society. Pretty soon you drink too much, you don't eat right, you never have anything nice to wear, here you thought you were doing fine then it turns out you're the most disgusting slob ever lotto-balled out of the gene pool."

"Thanks, man."

"No problem. I'm a little bit right though, arent I?"

"Well, she has been asking me why I don't take up a teaching gig. That's my fault, though. I mentioned it once, and she's a teacher, so..."

"Norman Rockwell shit. Mr. and Mrs. Thirty Thousand a Year." Elliot shook his head. "I wouldn't know, of course, but I think all women more or less do that, though. Maybe it's for our own good. There are some unhappy married guys out there, but there are a hell of a lot more slovenly single guys lolling around in a daze especially once you start looking up the road a decade or two. There are worse fates than doilies and a tie or two."

Melvins wandered up to the register with a cd which made Elliot get up with both of their coffee cups to ring him up the sale. It turned out to be a Porno for Pyros cd. Cake started on the stereo and so did the debate.

"I think as far as it goes, though, you go a decent one. She shouldnt start to go too haywire on you all at once." Abe nodded still no more sure of himself than when he had come into the store. Wasn't that the point of therapy?

"I don't know where in the world we're going to put all this stuff."

"You were really dreading having to ask me about moving in, weren't you?" Abe grunted and flopped a box of books into the back of his tired Subaru.

"How do you know that?"

"You asked me to move in last night and your stuff is already completely packed up? Either you're on meth or apprehension."

Johanna blushed and tried to cover her tracks with an enamored kiss. "Let me buy you dinner tonight. Some pasta, red wine...?"

Abe nodded again, always sheepish about handouts, especially from women. He trotted up the stairs to get another load.

Between two cars they had to make two tightly packed trips over to Abe's side of town to unload. Everything Johanna owned was piled in a haphazard mountain in the middle of Abe's hastily cleared and now useless living room. She hugged him gratefully as they surveyed the scene.

"Thank you, Abe. Come on. Don't worry about any of this. Let's go get something to eat." She took Abe's hand and escorted him down the stairs to her car. They drove to a quaint Italian place he had never made an acquaintance with and got a quiet table with candlelight and Sinatra cooing in their ears.

"This is nice, Johanna." She smiled at Abe's approval. She broke the bread the waiter had brought with the wine and gave him a piece before raising her glass.

"To love and generous hospitality." Abe nodded and chimed her glass with his. "I'll get that stuff organized this weekend so you can use your living room again."

"Fantastic. There are cocktail parties to host, after all." Abe was letting her know in his way that he was nonplused. She nodded her understanding. "Hmm. Well, I can help if you'd like. I've got nothing going on."

"You took the new book to Pete?" Abe nodded. "How did he take it?"

"He didn't really look at it. He knows what to expect by now, I guess."

"So, that three or so months of work will keep you going for the whole year, hey?"

"Well, it usually never happens that fast. I guess there's never any reason for it to. But I'm going to read over everything from our story. Other than new notes I haven't so much as glanced at it since I set it down last. I have to swim in it a little before I catch it up to date. Maybe start something else along the vein of the norm in case ours isn't the next one that comes out." Johanna nodded. Then he thought of something else. AI suppose I usually get the same amount of days off that you do, all in all. You get summers completely off, right?"

"Well, yes, but without a paycheck. End of June to the middle of August."

"That sounds about right, between writing and production and publicity and all. Not that I go on any worldwide promotional tours or anything. Posing for the jacket and sitting at a table in a few bookstores is about all I'm set up for. What do you do with yourself over the summer?"

"Oh, visit family; take a little trip somewhere maybe. Not much, usually. Like I said, you don't get paid if you don't work where I'm at." Abe nodded and they made more small talk until their food arrived.

"Well, I thank you for dinner, sweetheart. It was great."

'You're welcome." The chill wanted to be out of the air by then but only halfway into March it couldn't compete with nightfall so they followed the plumes of their breathing back to her car and then to Abe's apartment.

"Well, since you're staying here now I should probably make you up a cot or something..." Abe said with a smirk.

"You are such a tease. I'll sleep out here if you want. I don't think that's what you want, though, is it?" Johanna nestled into him and let her hands wander convincingly. All Abe could get out was a shaky 'no'. They barely made it to the bedroom.

Abe never had a problem reading any time of the day so it gave him a great sense of accomplishment to go over what he had written thus far on his pet project while his muse toiled over her possessions in the living room. He sipped coffee absently and furrowed his brow at the appropriate times so that to anyone looking in the window across from his desk Abe seemed deeply engaged. He was, to some extent. Part of the problem with reading what he had written was that he already knew what happened. He found himself wanting very badly to read what Johanna had written but that went against the essence of what they were trying to accomplish and was therefore impossible. Abe wondered if perhaps the impossibility is what made him want access in the first place. At any rate he knew that if his readers were half as interested in the unknown as he was they were sure to have a bestseller on their hands.

Abe needed it. He tactfully avoided bringing up the subject with Johanna but the fact was that the money was melting away from the hotplate of activity in his bank account faster than he could add to the pot. There was usually a low tide before the new moon of a book being published arose but in that instance it seemed to be an especially dry beach. Abe had examined things passively and decided that while some of it was due to going out a bit more with Johanna it was not all down to her. He had not given her anything but flowers here and there and a paltry Christmas present. Her birthday was coming up soon although he had not planned on breaking the bank with that celebration.

There were really no solid reasons; merely an accruement of little lapses. Abe supposed that the lapses came from a more care-free attitude since meeting Johanna. He was certainly happier with her than he had been alone and that was bound to lend him to a bit more frivolity. The nature of Abe's lifestyle meant that he had to be in control of what he was spending and know how much was left because of the lump sums he received as a primary sustenance. He wasn't sunk yet; if he watched himself he could right the spiral before it spun out of control. If this novel was anything near what Abe thought it might be...

He tried to put financial woes out of his head to concentrate on his draft. He doubted he had the patience to write any more fluff before the interesting work before him was finished so he knew he had to focus on the task at hand, as much as he could, during the day. Abe could hear Johanna huffing in the next room and was tempted to see if he could help but he knew he shouldn't and probably couldn't.

By the end of the afternoon Abe had a substantial portion of his work read and had even dabbled with a bit of obvious editing to where he had a pretty firm grip on the train of thought he had been on when he last started writing. Finishing up a bit that night would probably put him back in front of the computer before midnight.

About the time he decided he was finished for the day Johanna padded up from behind and put her arms around his shoulders to let him know she was done too.

"Hey there." Abe kissed her arm and leaned back into her. "Time to eat something?" He felt her nod and stood up. They went into the kitchen to rummage through cupboards Abe knew were mostly bare. He made no qualms about being a long-time bachelor. There was a half-empty box of minute rice from within the year along with a pair of cans boasting cling peaches and others that served mostly as ingredients for some greater good rather than a meal in themselves.

"We are going to have to go grocery shopping tomorrow." Johanna said with a hint of exasperation. Abe shrugged. "I don't want to go out, really. I'm kind of tired. Chinese?" Abe felt a pang where his bank account would have been but shrugged again. Johanna set to ordering and Abe crept into the living room to peek at the world of girl that had collided with his own.

Surprisingly, there were not curtains on the windows. No frill or potpourri had set out to brave a new life in the barren landscape of male nonchalance. He was oddly comforted that no flag of feminism had been planted in his world. Johanna's things were out but that was about all. Clothes were folded neatly in disposable cardboard drawers, her teaching materials were stacked against a wall, and there were still a number of boxes marked with words like 'kitchen' and 'fragile' that had not moved since being set down.

Johanna slipped beside him and gently took his hand. "You see, not scary." It was as if she had read his mind. "Food will be here in thirty." She craned up and kissed his cheek before slipping away. Abe heard the bathroom door open and close after a moment and was once again left alone to contemplate the ramifications of his decision.

True to her word dinner came when Johanna said it would and the two sat in the living room together passively watching a rerun of Conan on Comedy Central. It was those parts Abe liked; sitting with a girl he loved and liked, doing nothing important but importantly bonding just the same. Something would be different with Johanna in his life all the time. Abe was afraid those moments of togetherness would lose the special ness he had come to enjoy over the previous months and leave them both with a different kind of alone; a far worse loneliness where they both would know what they were missing. The irony is that they would be doing the exact same things they thought were so important before.

It wasn't as though Abe knew any of this from experience. Johanna was his longest relationship and a learning process every step of the way after the first few dates. He did know people, however, and he wrote about such things for a living.

Worrying about the future would not do any good. He sighed after finishing the last of one of the cartons and sat back into the couch. Johanna joined him and found a place under his collarbone. She didn't stay there long. Abe felt her scooch up against his arm until her lips barely met the top of his jaw.

"I love you, Abe. Thank you for this." An uncontrollable smile materialized on his face and he thought of the Shakespeare line about loving and losing although he put it into much gentler a context and found he had to agree with William on all counts. He told Johanna he felt the same. Were Conan able to recognize the two from the television he would have seen both their eyes glazing over simultaneously.

Another thing Abe noticed about an actual relationship was that sex was not nearly all it had been trumped up to be. He and Johanna still engaged in the act regularly, in fact to a degree that would make most singles weary to contemplate, but there were so many more nuances that he had never given a thought to that seemed to re-establish the same bonds sex had solidified. Lying naked and entwined before sleep took them over or feeling comfortable enough to say anything seemed to fit the bill just as well. Sex was fun, but it seemed more and more like the hard way to go about things. There were times Abe felt he may have missed his true calling of sociology where he could have more adeptly and objectively studied these strange new findings.

Johanna moved her things into the bathroom first. Like cobwebs that form unnoticed and only seem strange once set into the corners of a ceiling traces of the feminine persuasion appeared out of nowhere all throughout his apartment. In all honesty Abe found it calmly pleasing to see Johanna's half-read books on his night stand and her kate spade purse glaring with pink snake-skin trim slung over his coat rack. There was only a slight unrest in his mind when he saw a small framed trio of dried purple irises on his refrigerator.

Most of his life was about the same as normal. Johanna left his bed at seven in the morning though he always woke up to kiss her good morning before falling asleep. Abe woke up sometime around ten after writing until two the previous morning and went about his normal routine. He had coffee at the corner caf and philosophized with Elliott; he people-watched and filled his time with random errands elevated in importance by lack of anything better to fill his time.

Johanna came back to the apartment by four in the afternoon every day and they either made love or talked or stared at one another or all three. She had taken charge of Abe's dire pantry and cooked quick and simple meals most nights that Abe was very appreciative of. On weekdays Johanna would fade into the bedroom well before midnight leaving Abe in his element once again for a few hours. He found that even his writing time was being shortened because he wanted to be able to slip into bed early enough so that being awoken wouldn't upset Johanna. Abe came to find his favorite version of her was the sleepy, two-thirty in the morning Johanna. On weekends they would stay in bed far too late and spend the first part of the afternoon drinking coffee and reading magazines in the caf before either going out for dinner or renting older pop culture movies like and falling half-asleep on the couch.

After six weeks Abe had gotten so comfortable with the situation it suddenly surprised him to be thinking about whether Johanna would move in permanently. He had been enjoying the present so much that he hadn't given any thought to the future. He wondered whether Johanna had been looking for a new place at all. He knew he had not had his mind on much other than fluff for the last month and a half and so supposed he could not fault Johanna if she had done the same. However, suddenly staring into his house blend as if looking for the magic eight triangle to appear, he was confronted with the quandary. Did he want Johanna to move in? It seemed as though she wanted that and he hadn't given any indication of feeling anything to the contrary. The time they had spent in cohabitation had been wonderful. He would hate for it to end for no good reason. But if she was going to stay she would have to start paying bills and the like. It seemed only logical. All the initial unease Abe had felt in the beginning came creeping back as his coffee cooled.

Elliott would have something to say about this. Abe finished the rest of his breakfast with a sense of purpose and headed east to the record store.

The familiar bell rang him in and stirred Elliott from his newspaper. He gave a nod of recognition through redder eyes than usual. He looked like he recently woke up and was reluctant to accept the day.

"You look like shit, Elliott. When's the last time you went outside?" Elliott flipped Abe off without a smile.

"I took the garbage to the curb a few days ago." He huffed wearily.

"I think I'm going to ask Johanna to move in with me." Abe took a seat on the couch across from Elliotts easy chair and poured a cup of coffee.

"You've gone soft with sex and food, have you?"

"Ahh, perhaps that is not entirely untrue. But she has been with me for a month and a half. I could be saving a lot of money on rent."

"Objectively put. I don't, however, think objectivity is at the basis of the decision."

"That may have a shred of truth to it as well. The whole truth is that I really don't know what to do or think about any of it."

"I would pity you if you thought you did." He took a drag off his cigarette and stared thoughtfully at his half-empty cup of coffee. "Does your gut say stay or flee?"

"Stay," Abe said without hesitation.

"Well, a great man once wrote that after thinking with his gut his entire life, he came to the conclusion that his gut had shit for brains." Elliott drained his coffee with a slight grimace. "On the other hand, our basic instincts have gotten us this far as a species. Has she brought it up at all?"

"No. Johanna hasn't said a word about staying or leaving the entire time. No mention of going to look at places, no dreamy notions of becoming a homemaker, not a hint of insight. Perhaps she's waiting for me to bring it up."

"She may be uncomfortable with the whole situation. Feels she's mooching off you. Wants to live with you, just doesnt want to sway your opinion either way. Like you, honestly doesnt know. But I'm sure if you have enough in common to live together for this long she has thought about the situation. I think you should bring it up. The sooner the better. If it's eating at you then it's eating at her. There's no reason for both of you to be dancing around the issue when you could be discussing it. You are mature, rational adults, are you not?"

"I would like to think so. It's going to come up any ways, right?"

"It's gone on long enough for the pure novelty to wear off. Be advised, though: If she's got any girlish fancy to her then she has been entertaining thoughts of the two of you together for ever, ad infitum... No matter how clear-headed and logical she may seem or how fleeting those thoughts may be, they most likely have been mulled over. Emotion can of course always trump common sense. I would suggest you save the champagne until after a decision has been made." Abe nodded studiously and sighed.

"Anything interesting come in lately?"

Abe heard Johanna open the door that afternoon as he sat waiting for her and reading a Time magazine. The first of May meant that there was less time spent discarding cold-weather armor and she breezed into the living room shortly with only the ghost of her perfume giving her presence away. She kissed the edge of Abe's jaw before joining him on the couch with a sigh. Johanna did not ask Abe how his day went because she knew how it always went. Abe asked her instead.

"All right. The kids are getting antsier as the weather warms. Sometimes I just want to release them to the streets all day long."

"Well, a month and a half and you'll be on vacation, right?" Johanna nodded with another sigh. Abe launched into it like a child springing off a high-dive. ASpeaking of a month and a half, you've been here about that long now. Um, what are you thinking about doing?"

"Oh." Abe could tell he had caught her off-guard. Maybe she really had not been thinking about the situation as much as Elliott would have him believe. He suddenly felt a sinking need to clarify himself.

"I mean, because I've been thinking about it more and more. I didn't want to rush anything, but I wanted you to know it's on my mind."

"What exactly has been on your mind?" It was a bald, honet question that she asked looking straight-faced and into his gaze.

"Well, at first it was how much I liked having you here." Johanna cracked a smile until she remembered she was trying to keep her composure and erased it with a curt nod. "Then I started thinking I might like having you around all the time. That scared the life out of me and brought me off the cloud I was on and made me start thinking about how you might feel. I realized I had no idea. So I thought I would ask. What do you want?"

"It's been more difficult for me, because this is your apartment. It seems like your decision should have more weight than mine."

"Well, we're a partnership, right? I think your decision to live somewhere is at least as important as mine."

"Sometimes it seems like we've been together for so long, Abe. Sometimes it doesnt. Not even a year yet. I don't want this do be just for convenience. I want it to be because we both want it."

"Well, we have been sort of put into a situation, but I would like to think it doesnt matter how we got here, just that we're here."

"This isn't getting us anywhere. What do you want?"

Abe sighed heavily, more out of fear at the possible rejection of his feelings than anything. He finally spoke after a long staring contest with his knuckles. "I want you to stay."

"Really?" Johanna scrutinized Abe for a moment as if waiting for the punch line of a joke. "I kind of wanted to stay, too."

"I thought you might have."

"Really?" Abe knew what she meant.

"Really. Stay. Put potpourri in the bathroom and frilly things in the bedroom. Throw your laundry in with mine. Get a key made. Everything."

"I would never!" Johanna giggled before wrapping her arms around Abe. "I'm so happy you want me to stay!"

"That's...that's what it is." The realization that hit Abe could have only been more complete had a cartoon light bulb clicked on above his head.

"What?"

"That's what it is. That's why I want you to move in. Because it makes you happy. That's..." Johanna's eyes were trying to follow Abe's but getting lost. "You're happy... and that's why I am. Is this what it's all about?"

"Did you just say that out loud? I love you, Abe."

"I... I love you too, Johanna." Johanna buried herself in Abe but his mind was still swimming in realization. He had told Johanna that he loved her dozens of times before but it was nothing like what had just happened. What had just happened? It was easier to give into Johanna's embrace than to think about.