How Am I Diffrent? Chapter 4

Chapter 4

A page of noise to spell this out
to remind me what to do; who says I ever knew?
this mess demands my best and
I haven't seen my best for years. - - Knapsack

This is going nowhere. Slowly. Abe rubbed his eyes with chagrin. He let out a groan and stood up in front of his desk. After the head rush passed he wandered to the shelves of cds in the corner of the room hoping to find something inspiring. The phone rang.
"Hi."
"I can't write."
"Of course you can. You just have to relax. What are you writing about?" Johanna was just the distraction Abe did and didn't need. They hadn't spoken since the play nearly a week ago but he had been through a thousand conversations with her in his head. "You'd better write tonight," she continued, Abecause I want to go out with you tomorrow night."
"Pressure doesn't help. I'm in a rut."
"How can you be in a rut? You said yourself it's just a formula."
"First of all...Wait a minute...You were actually paying attention to all that?"
"I got the gist of it. So what's the problem?"
"I never want anything bad to happen to my characters."
"You don't have a story without conflict."
"I know. Knowing doesn't make it any easier though. I could create this perfect little society that I'll get bored with or I can introduce a problem. It humanizes my perfect little creation."
"And endears the readers to the story by relating to their own struggles. Come on, man, you know this."
"You're supposed to sympathize with me."
"Not if you're wrong. What kind of help would that be?"
"Oi. How are you doing?"
"All right. Grading papers and I needed a diversion. But I can see now that you desperately need my help." Abe grunted audibly. "So tell me about what you're working on." He proceeded to lay out what he had and ideas forthcoming. The story wasn't unlike anything else he'd written and that was part off the problem. It all seemed so boring and redundant to him.
Johanna affirmed. "Well, it sounds like the others, really. Maybe you need to do something completely different."
"I don't know how to do that." He twirled a pencil absently and waited for her solution.
"Well, maybe not completely different. But something you haven't done before. How much of yourself do you put into these stories?"
"Hardly a thing. It's much easier to make things up about a fictitious person than to remember anyone's actual characteristics."
"Maybe you need to do that, then. Start out writing about a past relationship and if nothing interesting happened, take it somewhere else. Try it."
"That sounds so personal."
"Ok, are you just placating me? You have a master's in writing. You know these angles. If it were a formula for anyone it should be a formula for you."
"You're right. I know I should do something better than the crap I've been churning out. But it's so simple. It puts writing into the context of a job. You come in, you punch the clock, you write. You can distance yourself from any potential bad reviews or what have you."
"But you have the potential to actually be an artist. Different from anyone else. Do you want to waste that punching out books like license plates, appealing to the lowest common denominator?"
"God, you're calling me on everything."
"What did you expect?"
Abe thought his answer through before speaking. "Exactly what you're doing. I guess it's what drew me to you in the first place. But now I'm a little scared that I can't live up to the bar."
"Well, you certainly won't if you don't try. I guarantee you a grand failure that came from your true self will feel more real than accolades for something you don't care about."
"You always say the right things. You should be the writer."
"The answers are obvious from someone sitting on the sidelines. You have to find out whether they work."
"Thanks for calling, Johanna."
"You're welcome, Abe. I'll see you tomorrow."
"Definitely." He hung up the phone and leaned back in his chair. If what Johanna said was true, then what he had in front of him was crap. He contemplated throwing the sixty-odd pages in the waste basket but put them in a drawer under the desk instead. After all, crap always sold.
Abe thought over his past relationships as Johanna had suggested but quickly realized that there was nothing of substance in them. Their minute life spans had seldom even afforded dispensing with formalities. What was there, then? Tying them all together? Taking one on a random tangent? What he knew about the women in his past hardly seemed deep enough to write a poem about, let alone a novel. Yet here he was about to start another-
And then it hit him.
He had just turned thirty. He had the possibility of a new relationship forming. It was all fresh and substantial. Most importantly, it was real. Maybe if he wrote every detail down it would fill pages. If anything he had the trash in the drawer to go back on if it didn't work out between them. He would of course ask Johanna if it was all right because a straight journal as a vehicle for fiction was much too overused. What would she think? Would she be appalled? Interested? What if- What if she wrote her side? She needed to write; Abe could feel it in every word she spoke to him. She was giving him advice that she could just as well be using herself. Why not? What would it hurt? Would it hurt? Would there be a strain on the relationship knowing they were keeping such concrete tabs on it? Who knew? What was there to lose?
That answer was obvious, so instead of dwelling any more on it Abe threw on a jacket and plodded down to the pub.
The pub was Abe's anti-writing place. Inasmuch as he went to the ice cream shop and surrounding stores in Great Barrington for inspiration, he went to the pub to forget about work. There was nothing in a bar to write about; at least nothing that anyone who had ever been inside one would care to read about.
That night Abe's goal wasn't so much to get away from his thoughts as to not jump ahead of them. He needed to process the idea he had conjured up and maybe sleep on it before he mentioned anything to Johanna. If he did at all. Perhaps he would wake up in the morning realizing it was a ridiculous notion. At any rate, a couple of pints would get him to tomorrow faster.

Abe was as nervous as the first time he had brought Johanna up to his apartment when she rang his bell the next evening. He had decided that even though his idea from the night before may have been farfetched it was one he needed to pursue simply because it had never been done before. The realization that there was probably a reason for that was quickly swept under his mental rug.
"Did you figure it out?" Johanna asked unassumingly.
"I did. I think." Abe took her coat and put it on a hook on the back of his door before she questioned him further.
"Well?"
"Well. I had a brainstorm last night." Abe didn't know how to begin to explain himself so he just launched into it. "I started thinking about past relationships and things like you suggested. But nothing was worth any kind of energy. Naturally my thoughts wound up at the present. There are new things happening right now. I just turned thirty, you're new, it seems just as good a point to start from than anywhere. So I thought I could write about me. Right now."
Johanna wore an apprehensive look next to Abe on the couch. "You're going to write about yourself? Right now?"
"Well, maybe not exactly. Well, pretty much exactly. I want to see what happens. Me. On paper. What better way to break out of a repetitive funk than to do something completely absurd?" She rolled her eyes in disbelief.
"Wait. You'd be writing about me?"
"Well, yeah. You're...here. I mean, I guess how much I write about you depends and all. That's not what it's all about."
"I don't know about that."
"Why don't you write your half?"
"What half? I don't have a half, Abe. What are you on?"
"Nothing. Of course you have a half. We met. Start there. If it's a twenty page story, then so be it. A novel with a sequel? Even better. But you need to write, I know you do. Start with something crazy. Don't develop a rut. It's hard to get out of."
"I don't have time to... I don't...I..." she ran out of argument.
"I'm going to write. Think about it. It's just an idea. I can write about my life whether you want to or not. I just thought it would be a neat experiment. You're the one that helped me out of the quicksand."
"It was one conversation. I don't see where the life altering revelation came from."
"Fine. I'm sorry. It's my thing, forget I mentioned anything about it."
"Oh, now I've hurt your feelings. I didn't't mean to do that." She found his hand and squeezed it. "I think you should do it. Why not?"
"Yeah?" She nodded. "Thanks. Wow. That took a lot out of me," Abe realized with a long exhalation.
"That's what happens with feeling. You'd better get used to it."
"All that trouble and it received such a wonderful response." Abe sighed sarcastically. "I can see the critical acclaim now."
"Well, usually the subjects aren't told they're about to have their lives end up in a Barnes and Noble."
"And straight to the half-off rack at that."
"You shouldn't let yourself get caught up in the fame and fortune. If it happens it will happen when you least expect it to anyways."
Abe let out a long sigh and squeezed Johanna's hand. "So, are we going out?"
"What do you want to do?"
"Well, let's see. We haven't done the carnival and cotton candy date, but I suppose that would have to wait until spring. We've got the cultural museum/theater date, or the make something crafty at a quaint little shop date... What else?"
Johanna stifled a giggle with a snort and a roll of her eyes. "God you're cliched. Why is it that I keep coming back?"
"Let's hope you never delve too deeply into that question. And quit trying to skirt the issue. Seriously. What do you want to do?"
"God, Abe. I really don't know. I want to go out, but not because it's a date or anything. Can we just do something relaxed?"
"I'd usually say Lounge Axe, but it's a Friday night. It'll probably be packed."
"I had fun last time. Just...I just wanted to say that. It doesn't really matter to me what we do."
"I thought you said it was cheesy."
"Well, I did. But in a good way." She leaned her shoulder into his for emphasis. Their tightly clasped hands didn't let her get far on the rebound. "I think we've made it to the point where we can spend an evening in one another's company without extravagance. How about you?" She gave him a syrupy smile he couldn't help but laugh at.
"That sounds like the best thing on the table."
"Shall we get something to eat at least?"
"I've had a taste for Thai food lately. Does that sound good?"
"I love Thai."
"That must be why you're with me."
"Good enough of a reason as any." Abe scuttled into the kitchen to snag a take out menu that had seen better days from his refrigerator.
"It's about a quarter mile from here. Shall we get some exercise?" She nodded and he put an order in.
"So have you started writing any of this autobiography yet?"
"No. I thought I'd let it sit on the burner for a while, mainly to see what you thought of it. I don't know how much fact and fiction I want to put in it. It seems pretty vain to think that my life is exciting enough for people to read about."
"Ooh, can I be a dashing, sophisticated goddess?"
"Sure. And I'll be the Greek god you're hanging from the bicep of. I can see the screenplay now. Gwyneth Paltrow and Steve Buscemi."
"Oh come on. You could at least be Paul Giametti."
"Excellent. I smell a blockbuster. But I have to write it first. Are you sure you don't want to contribute?"
"I haven't said no yet. I haven't said yes, either. You'd have to coach me a lot. I'm no writer."
"Yes you are. You just don't know it yet. See? You're blushing. You wouldn't be embarrassed if you didn't think you could do it."
"Do you think the food is ready yet?" Johanna countered.
"Come on now, we're having a conversation. I think you can do it, Johanna. What better situation could there be? I'll be here the whole way. It's such a great concept. Seasoned writer pulls savvy new phenom in to create a story for both the sexes? It'll be great. We don't even have to read each other's sides. My editors can take care of that." Abe could feel himself getting excited about the concept again but all he got in return was a tolerant eye roll.
"You're going to have to let me think about it, okay?"
"Yeah. Sorry. I got a little excited there." She smiled. "Let's go get our food. We'll walk slow."
Even walking slowly they had a ten minute wait in the cramped, one-room Thai restaurant. After a bit of a struggle Johanna convinced Abe to let her buy the six-pack from the liquor store next door. When food and drink were secured they marched home.
Abe was feeling Belle and Sebastian, a band one of Elliot's employees from the record shop had turned him on to. It was music that could either be ignored because it seemed like every song you'd ever heard or appreciated because of its polished sound. They chose the former and dug into green and red curry. Johanna had wisely picked a porter to blend in with the spices and round things out. There were more than a few cursory glances and all-too intentional touches exchanged throughout the meal until they were both filled and basking in after effects. Belle and Sebastian gave way to The Notwist and separate bodies melded into one on the couch.
"Do you realize that if you'd been paying attention to where you were going we would have never met one another?" Johanna was speaking to Abe's collarbone and it took him a moment to register what she was talking about.
"Who says there's no such thing as fate?" Johanna nodded, which was more of a rub against his chest.
"I think I've realized why I fell for you. Being a writer has given you a romantic side most guys don't have. And I mean that in the classical sense."
"Just a couple of English buffs that found each other."
"Okay. Maybe this is the curry talking..." She snickered and nudged one of the empty bottles on the table in front of them with a socked toe, "But I'll try to write with you. If- you give an honest to goodness series of lectures to my classes. Say, every Friday for five weeks, then we'll see how it goes?"
Abe nodded his agreeance. "But I've never given lectures. I mean, I've attended enough of them that I could probably come up with something, but you'll have to proofread it."
"Deal."
"Well. We've gotten ourselves into quite a predicament."
"You're right. Did I really just agree to see you for five more weeks?" She looked up to him, eyes ablaze with a jesterly glow, and swept her lips across his.

Okay. A lecture. To highschoolers. I can do this. What is she doing teaching highschoolers? They must think she's so hot. I would if I were in high school. What am I saying? I do now. How am I different?
These were some of the thoughts keeping a blank page in front of Abe two days before he had to present his first talk on Writing as a Living for Roosevelt High School's tenth grade English classes. He had not written a word toward his million dollar idea of a novel. What a tangled web...yadda, yadda, yadda.
Do I even have to prepare anything? I'm a writer. How hard can it be to impress highschoolers? But it's not entirely for them, now is it? Bullocks. He decided to break down and call Johanna. She would come if he told her his plight, right? It would show initiative to ask for help from someone so well versed in lessons his first time around. And, she would probably be dressed really nice... Concentrate! Call Johanna! He dialed her number still not sure if it was the right thing to do.
"Johanna? Hi. It's Abe. I've been trying for days to write a lecture, but I have no idea how to go about it."
"God, Abe. I was waiting for you to all. I hoped you weren't going to try it on your own. I was seriously thinking about what my backup would be." He would have mounted a comeback if she had not been well within her rights.
"Just... Come over here and help me."
"I'll be right there." And she was.
"Hi." He stood in front of her with the door open unsure how to proceed.
"Oh, come on. It's not all business. Give me a kiss." She grabbed him before he could think and did the honors. "You were really nervous about calling me over, weren't you? You're so sweet." Thoughts of how quickly she was becoming close to being an actual girlfriend and how much that fact frightened him briefly flickered across Abe's mind before he dampened the flame with the task at hand.
"Okay. What I've got is basically all in my head right now. I feel like I could get it all out in one talk right now, but I know you don't want me to do that. Besides, it's not as though I spent years trying to get a deal or anything. I wrote something, and you can attest to the fact that it was mostly fluffed garbage, and it got me in. No struggle."
"So that's the first lecture. Everything to where you are now. Then give them an assignment. A five hundred word novelette, for instance. Second time around, review them. Talk about what an editor does, basically. So?"
"Right." Abe scribbled notes as he thought of them while was talking. It was hard to concentrate with Johanna's thigh pressing against his on the chair in front of his desk. "That's great. I think I can get somewhere now. At least for the first week."
"Now, I don't need to tell you that this is a completely professional thing, right?"
"Oh, you mean like" She nodded. "Of course. I wouldn't put you in that position. Give me some credit."
"I just had to mention it. Sorry."
"Well, we don't know one another that well, after all, hey?"
"Getting there?"
"Getting there." They kissed unceremoniously under the light of Abe's tinny work lamp.
"Well, it looks as though you have things under control."
"Are you leaving already?" Abe couldn't help the worry from creeping into his voice.
"That wasn't what I meant at all. Quite the contrary. Unless you had other plans."
"No, no. Please, sit."
"So cordial!" Johanna gave him a rebuking look and stepped over to his cds. "Ah, I knew you'd have it, for some reason." She put in REM's 'Automatic for the People'.
"Interesting choice."
"You like it? I do." She flopped on his couch like she owned it and all but told him to do the same.
"This might sound bad, but we should go shopping sometime." Abe said. "Not for clothes, or whatever, but for records and pointless decor and tea. Fun stuff."
"Oh, that would be great." She sighed. "Can you get around to being a real guy so I can find a reason to hate you if I need to?"
"What?"
"Oh bullshit, Abe. You know what I'm talking about." He nodded.
"Well, Johanna, to tell you the truth, this is who I am. I'm being honest with you. I'm not all that great. I loaf around a lot. I treat most things casually even if they merit more than that. I want to really do this. Life, I mean. I'm done with games. What you see is what you get."
She kissed him blatantly. "Give me something."
"Ok. I want to think of this as a real relationship. Like, you come over and we do things... But only us... God. This is why I write and don't speak, Johanna. But I know I shouldn't think like that yet because for all I know... I mean you probably have a hundred-"
"Shut up, Abe." She kissed him gruffly and didn't loosen her hold afterwards. "Now can I tell you something?" He nodded. "We haven't even slept together yet but this has been the best 'so called' relationship I've had in years. That tells me something. And that something agrees with what you just said. I mean, you're the famous one. You should have girls coast to coast." Abe snorted.
"I can't afford to waste that much coffee." She shook her head.
"I want you to have this." She unwound the pale green scarf from her hair and wove it around the lamp at his desk. "Maybe it will help when you're writing about us." When she stood up he did as well and went to the kitchen. He came back with the last two bottles from the sixer from the night before.
"To a novel with a sequel?" She clinked her bottle with his.
"To a sequel."
"I'm kind of nervous about this whole thing," Abe told Elliot while trying to kill time the morning before his educational debut.
"Can't fault you for that. Do you remember how easy it was to find good music at one time?"
"How do you mean?" Elliot was taking Abe's mind off his angst as he shuffled among the racks in middle of his store looking for something he couldn't find in more sense than one.
"I mean," He shrugged his handfuls of cds, "I mean, remember when that chick turned you on to Wilco a few years ago?" It was more like six years by that point but Abe nodded. "I mean, they were out there, people knew of them, but you could still discover them and make them your own. It seems like any band now a days worth their salt is latched onto then discarded by the Sundance crowd or buried in such obscure labels and poor promotion that the chances of stumbling upon them are virtually nil. It's just depressing. Where are the Wilcos of today? Bands of character and layer that you know from album one will be around for a long time?"
"I wish I knew what to tell you."
"It just seems like everything in pop music these days is so flash-in-the-pan that it's not even worth getting engrossed in. Even the good stuff. Soundtrack of our Lives. That's the last really good band I've come across that I think will be around long enough to matter. And that was two years ago."
"Belle and Sebastian put out good stuff."
"Yeah. Yeah. They do their thing well. I'll give them that."
"What about Coldplay? I think that they're the new U2, to be honest."
"As though these gasping fish we have for record labels now a days would let a new band develop like U2 had to so they could become what they are today. Coldplay puts out one mediocre album and Capitol will drop them so fast your head will spin. But you could be right. I'd place a small wager on them. Yeah."
"Beck."
A"Yes."
Abe thought a bit longer. "Pearl Jam. I don't care for them that much, but they'll be our Who." Elliot nodded. Abe realized that no matter when he came into the record store, barring the weekends, he seemed to be the only one shopping. He'd been down a few times to socialize before hitting the bar and it seemed like then with Elliot's half dozen friends the floor had been more packed than ever.
Sooner than later Abe had to be at the high school. Walking down the hall towards Johanna's classroom he felt more out of place than he ever had since he had attended high school as a student which was the last time he had set foot in a school he wasn't paying for.
She had told him to slip in as soon as he got there so he did without a knock or a sound. Regardless of his subtleness he was the focus of all the students as soon as he came through the door. Before he had even set down his notes Johanna was introducing him.
"Class, this is Abe Carrington. He is the author of three major novels and a shining example of what can happen with a passion for English."
"Quite right." Goddamn Nick Hornby novels. "Well, like Joh- Miss Kern said, my name is Abe. I write books. If you go to the library right now, well maybe not your school's, but the public's for sure, you'll see my books. Writing is my bread and butter, and I'll tell you how that all came about." Johanna turned on a slide featuring the covers of all his novels and he was off to the races.

"My god. That was one of the most awful things I've ever been through." Abe massaged his temples in an attempt to drive the memory of his lecture away. Johanna rubbed his shoulders consolingly. They were still in her classroom though all the students had fled the school.
"You were fine. You were articulate and as engaging as you could be with them. You actually fielded a couple questions. Do you want to know the last time they actually asked me questions? Come on. Hey. If you want to be alone and sulk you can, but I'd like to buy you dinner." Her smile was irresistible and he returned it.
"Fine, Fine. Placate me if you must. Thai food. Your house. I've still never been there."
"Sounds fair. I warn you, though, a teacher's salary in Chicago doesn't go as far as a writer's." They left the classroom and headed for the closest Thai place to her flat.
"As much as I'd like to believe you, my dear, I think that I have to get back to the drawing board on this whole lecture thing. Can I write a speech and recite it? Maybe get some A.V. kids to rig up some Teleprompters in the back of the room?"
"That would never work, Abe. Besides. I thought you were great."
"You're just saying that because you like me."
"Who says I like you?" She kissed his jaw until he risked a turn from the windshield to meet her lips.
"Oi. Let's just forget about it for a day or two. I've got to start writing this book tomorrow. My publisher would shit a Cosby kid I he knew I just threw away a sixty page start ."
"Stunning image. And I thought you weren't in a contract."
"Like I said, we have a working relationship. It just means I have to write double. It would help, though, if my significant other in this venture had something to show as well."
"Oh...! Are you saying?...Never mind. We should set this up, then. Because you need to write and I need to grade papers and do my lessons. But you also need to help me figure this writing thing out. So, tomorrow we'll write? Then I'll leave you alone until the weekend?"
"Well, I don't think we have to go that crazy."
"We'll see. Here we are." They pulled up to and ordered food from a place much more sterile and efficient than Abe's curry joint and left for Johanna's apartment.
The outside of building resembled well scrubbed brick but the insides betrayed the landlord's apathy in peeling paint and burnt-out light bulbs. She led him up bare and creaking steps to a tiny but cheery apartment.
"Here we are." Abe could see Johanna was squeamish about her place, although she probably wouldn't have been if she hadn't spent so much time in his comparatively sprawling estate to begin with.
"You're so organized." Abe quipped. It was an honest and not patronizing comment, and a nice save, in Abe's opinion.
"Have to make the space count." They sat in the living room and opened the Styrofoam containers. "We should have rented a movie," She finally said.
"Aw, we must be to the point where we can spend an evening in one another's company without distractions," Abe answered, borrowing her line from the night before.
Instead of a witty retort she grew quiet until Abe gave her his full attention.
"What?" He asked. Johanna didn't answer, instead, she kissed him unabashedly. Her arms crept across his back and pulled him on top of her. Johanna flicked Abe's belt loose and he took the hint by slipping one hand under her shirt and over her bare back and the other softly across her breast to meet her embrace.

Abe woke up upon hearing Johanna's sigh. Her arm was still across his chest and he felt it move faintly back and forth. "Tell me things aren't going to get complicated now." She pleaded.
"Things aren't going to get complicated now. Not if we don't make them that way. Just... Enjoy it. Bask. It's not as though we rushed into things, is it?"
"No, you're right. Of course you're right. You're perfect." She nuzzled her face into Abe's neck consolingly. He put his arms around her and they slept in the sunshine streaming through her window for another hour.

"I don't want to write right now. I'm sorry. I know I said I would do it today but I just want to..." Shrug. Johanna was buttoning a thin silk shirt at the edge of her bed as Abe watched, reluctant to even move.
"I've got nothing important to do." She was being a girl and Abe was versed enough to recognize it. He re-wore his clothes and slid across the bed to join her. "Breakfast? Coffee?"
"Yeah. Where?" It was too perfect. It was freaking him out. In a good way. What?
"Down the street." He had no idea what was down the street but he assumed there was something. Internal shrug. But she called him on it.
"You don't know."
"Please. I'm trying to bask in the afterglow and be all agreeable and sweet." Immediately upon saying it Abe knew he had fouled.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"I...Sorry. I just want to have the perfect answers for you. I guess because I write I have them at my disposal when I think about them. But when it comes to spur of the moment stuff I'm lost."
"That was a pretty good answer." Johanna kissed Abe fondly and picked him up with a deft hand from the bed. "Barely. Let's see what's down the street."
"Let's at least talk about how we want to go about this." Abe couldn't resist at least attempting headway any longer. He had to have something to show his publishers relatively soon. Johanna looked at him with a fork-full of hash browns caught between her plate and mouth.
She looked at him a moment longer before she spoke. "What are you talking about?" He told her. "Oh! I had no idea what you were diving into. You scared me, actually." She finished her fork off and continued. "Yeah, we can lay something out. I suppose that doesn't really count as work."
"That's such a relief. I really need to get this started but I want to know where you're coming from. Hell, I don't even know where I'm coming from. I guess that's what makes it doable, right?" Johanna giggled in the warming sunlight of the picture window the two sat in front of. "What?"
"You're getting excitable. It's cute.' Abe rolled his eyes but couldn't help smiling. That was pretty much how their relationship went. They finished brunch and headed back to her house in no hurry.
Abe told Johanna his scant and vague ideas and she tilted them to where a woman might take them until at the end of an afternoon frequently interrupted by affairs of the heart they both felt they had a springboard. How deep the water they would land in was hard to tell.
"Pete, I'll give you something when I have a decent piece. It's in the works, it's just that I've never done this sort of thing... I know... Have I ever let you down?... Besides then. Exactly. You have no reason to worry. Everyone's going to make a lot of money, we'll all get yachts and big diamond pinky rings. You'll see. Ok. Yeah. Take care."
Johanna listened to the conversation between Abe and his publisher aloofly from the sofa. The pair had been writing a storm, she thought, though separately to keep the theme of objectivity together. She thought things had been going well but from the tone of the conversation they had not been going well enough. Johanna wanted to pull it all off because it was important to Abe and they were starting to become very important to one another. Their time together had been short, a little over two months, but fairly intense as far as she usually took things. She had begun to wonder how objectively they could truly be if they knew that they would eventually read what the other wrote. So far there was nothing she thought would be open to a widely varying interpretation but that was bound to change even if she was correct. Johanna decided she wanted to be as honest as she could be.
Abe joined her on the couch shortly after pulling a pair of beers from the refrigerator. She noticed his was half gone and his cheeks were a tint redder than usual. She faintly brushed his hair with the back of her hand and accepted the bottle. "Tell me."
"He wants something now. I don't know if we have enough. It's almost like I want things to fast forward. This is why it's easier to make stuff up as fast as you need to have it. We can give him what we have, we'll have to. I just don't know what he's going to think. Fifty pages of beginnings."
"It's more than that. People like reading about beginnings, especially when there's a follow through. All we can do is try, right? You've got the common fodder waiting in the drawer for him, right?"
"It's not just that, though. You were right about writing something that has meaning for you. It stinks to think it'll be rejected. I've never been stressed out like this before over a book. I don't know how I would take it."
"Believe me, that's a good thing, Abe. Worry. It'll free you."
"It's easier for you. You have your career. This is it for me. Sink or swim. If I give them slop, they scrutinize everything else I hand them. And believe me, there are a hundred guys just like me standing in line to take my place. Like I said, it's not that hard."
"Do you think this is easy for me? This is the first real 'thing' we've done together, Abe. It makes it harder for me because it's your thing. You're the writer and here I am trying to keep up to impress you. So you'll think I'm great. I don't know what I'm doing. I just want you to like me." As her voice rose she felt tears beginning she wasn't expecting.
Abe looked genuinely surprised. "Johanna, Johanna, Johanna. I do like you. It doesn't matter if you write or not. Do you think that's what this is all about? Because we can throw this out the window if you want. You don't have to impress me. You do impress me. And I do like you. I...I love you. You're the greatest girl I've met in forever." He looked at her earnestly, as if a superhuman gaze could evaporate the water in her eyes.
"You do? You don't?" She asked different questions in the same breath with a quivering lip.
He smiled and held her. "No, I do. Yes I don't. I don't know which you mean, but I think you know what I mean."
AI do... I... love you too. I'm sorry if I went off. I just..." The tears came but they were sweeter than they had been when they formed. Abe held her and kissed the top of her head until they stopped.
"Wow," she whispered when she was composed. "So, another level already." Abe nodded. "Let's write. Pete's getting frazzled. I'm not letting you slow me down anymore. Cracking the whip."
"That means you'll have to leave, my dear."
"Oh. Yeah. Scrap that. You don't write during the day anyways."
"Which is great because it means that even if you sleep over I can slink out of bed."
She looked at him with open mouthed shock. "Do you do that?"
He smiled. "All the time, sweetheart." He wrapped his arms around her and fell sideways on the couch before she could properly thrash him.
"Let me go!"
"Are you going to hit me?"
"YES!!"
"Then no." He held on a bit longer then let her go with a kiss on the head. She scooted to the other side of the couch and pretended to pout.
"I don't like you anymore. Don't talk to me."
"You've been spending too much time with kids, my dear." She stuck her tongue out at him Abe just smiled and rubbed his cheek. He spread his arms out behind his head and leaned back with his feet on the coffee table. Johanna sulked for a bit longer but eventually slid over to lie against his chest. Neither said anything for a long time.
"I always stay until you fall asleep," Abe whispered in her ear.
"Thank you. Jerk." Johanna readjusted herself. "I'll stay tonight, but I have to write tomorrow. Fifteen solid pages. That's my goal."
"You know what? I've decided I'm going to write them both. The pulp to keep the rent paid, but we're going to do this one right. Let's not slack off on it, but I don't want to force anything either."
"Really? You're going to do both? That sounds like so much work."
"Well, I really want this to turn out right. In more ways than one." She looked up at him and smiled.
"Ok. So, what do you want to do now?"
"I... What time is it?" She shrugged as best as she could. "Hmm. I want to go outside. We haven't been all day. But that's a very short-term solution. So... Do you have any errands to do?" She shook her head. "Right. Me neither. Sick people to visit?" Again a negative. "Right. Are we destined for rocking chairs and Lawrence Welk after a few months?"
"God, I hope not. What about that record store you're always talking about? It'll get us outside and I've never actually been there. We can walk."
"You want to go to my record store?"
"Why? Is it like the Great Barrington nighttime thing or something?"
"No, no, no. It's just...kind of a guy's place. I never thought you would be interested in shuffling through cds. But we can go. That's awesome. I'll go down there any time."
"You're not just saying that, are you? Is it like a club or something?"
"No. I think I've seen a girl in there once that wasn't one of Elliot's friends. Although meeting Elliot is a big step for us. I mean, he's Elliot. I see him more than I see any other human being on the planet. Well...You're catching up." They were off the couch and in the process of donning jackets and shoes in the entryway by then.
"I'll be on my best behavior for your little friend, Abe. I won't embarrass you. Oh, wait. You've got a little..." She licked her finger and tried wiping it across his cheek sarcastically. He dodged playfully. "No, wait, it's still there..." She wrestled him another second before giving up so they could head down the street.
The familiar dented Christmas bell jingled above the door way when the pair entered the store. Elliot was hunched over the glass counter top reading a Rolling Stone.
"Well, well, well. My most famous customer. And who is this? No! Let me guess...Tiffany? Nonono...Rachel? Wait, I got it. It's that girl you met at that frat house, right?" Abe flipped him off.
"This is Johanna. The Johanna from such conversations as 'Why did I agree to give lectures to a high school class?' And 'I had no idea she was an English teacher.'"
"Rrright. Of course. Welcome to Elliot's Records. I've heard so much about you." They shook hands nicely.
"Johanna actually suggested we come down here. She's never been. I told her it was a dive, but she insisted."
"He's right. Hole in the wall. Well, I presume you can give her the tour. Hey! I almost forgot! I sold one of your books the other day. I owe David five bucks."
"Thanks for the vote of confidence. Let's see, if you sell...none...that'll pay for the lot."
"I'll be sure to name a kid after you."
Johanna listened to their conversation politely until it became obvious to both the men that she was listening to their conversation politely.
"I'm sorry. Let's look around." Abe walked over to the first row of racks with Johanna. Elliot rounded the corner and came out to the floor.
"What kind of music to you like?"
"Go easy, Elliot." Abe said under his breath. Johanna seemed not to notice.
"Well, I like Jewel, but only her new stuff. And Jessica Simpson. Michael Bolton...Stuff like that." Elliot looked like he was about to explode trying to be nice until Johanna deflated him. "That was really great. You should see your face. Do you think Abe never mentioned you? Sorry. I had to."
"Heh heh. That's...That was a good one... You had me there." Elliot had his finger in the air, still calming down.
"Dylan. Elvis Costello, Motown. Whatever." He nodded.
"I'm starting to like her," he said to Abe. "Let's see." He went behind the counter again and put on a disc.
"What's this?" She asked. Abe knew.
"Talking Heads. 'Remain in the Light'. You like?" She nodded and he let it play. Abe always loved the way Elliot could draw conclusions from a few snippets from people as to what they might enjoy.
The three wiled away more than an hour looking through racks before Abe bought a Jet album. Johanna got the Talking Heads cd.
Listening to Johanna's picks in the store put Abe in the mood for Elvis Costello so he put in his greatest hits when they got back to his apartment. She smiled at the selection.
"Aw. You paid attention." He returned her smile.
"Of course. Now the question of food."
"Delivery. We're staying in." She swooped in on him and it was a half hour longer before he picked up a phone. He ordered Chinese with Johanna still clinging to him and returned to her embrace almost before hanging up the phone.
"We have a half an hour, Johanna." His reasoning was muffled by her collarbone. "That's not enough time."
"Well, well, well. Someone thinks awfully much of themselves," she sighed. Nonetheless he slowed her down gradually before his doorbell rang.
After full stomachs put them back into a reasonable frame of mind they remembered the events that had brought them to where they were that day.
"We've had quite a day so far haven't we?" Johanna asked Abe as they lay together on the couch. He nodded. "You love me. You said so."
"I did at that. You said so too, though, so we're even."
"You said it first though. That was nice. Thank you."
"You're welcome. I meant it. Although I'm beginning to think that we're not as productive together as we could be apart."
"I'm inclined to agree. Although, technically we are producing the story right now and any time we're together for that matter, so you can't balk too much." Again Abe nodded.
"Well, what would you say to seeing one another more?" Johanna did not quite follow him. "Right now we get together on the weekends and a few evenings, basically, so we want to be together more than work which is perfectly understandable. But what if we just hung out together? You could come over and grade papers if you had to, I could write, whatever. Maybe if we were together more often than we could get into a better rhythm with one another. Have our cake and eat it too."
"I never really thought about it. Kind of takes the dating thing right out of the equation, doesn't it?" Abe grimaced because he had been enjoying the newness of everything as much as he knew Johanna had.
"There is that. But, we've done everything else together so far. Spending the nights together would be nothing new. Maybe you're right, though. Maybe we should keep more of that subtle romance in ourselves as long as we can."
"Seeing more of you does sound kind of nice though. Just regular, like you would be there whenever I wanted you to be. I don't know. That can be bad though too, can't it? Did that sound kind of selfish?" Abe nodded, not really sure what he wanted anymore.
"Well...," He finally concluded, "Let's just let things happen. I guess what I'll say is that we can get together as much as we want. I'm for it."
"And I'll say that is good to know, and I'll probably take you up on it more and more." They both smiled to themselves for having reached no conclusions whatsoever.