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Monday, April 24, 2006

How Am I Different? Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Take my hand, come with me

into this crystal scenery

It was good in the beginning - - Pete Yorn

"Yeah, Pete. It'll be in your hands by the end of the week. It's good. Well, it's the same as the other three which have all done the trick for us. You'll have to be the judge. I'm sure you will. No, I've still got that one going, but it's on the back burner right now." Abe looked into Johanna's eyes then and squeezed her hand as she sat beside him on his couch. "We gotta eat, right? All right, one week. Yes. Good. Good. Yup. Bye."

"That went well." Johanna commented when Abe hung up the phone.

"Well, it's done, but Pete's going to be earning his salary editing it. It's a nightmare." Abe had amazed himself in the previous two months, making five total since he had met Johanna, in that he had churned out the remaining two hundred pages of the fluff he had begun before they started on their dual work. The fire that lit under him was from wanting to be free to adopt the pace needed for a constantly unfolding and present tense work. It was the only pace that would do what they had both determined could be a pretty good work of art any justice.


With the finishing of the money book, as they had both come to call it, Abe gained himself such a pace-making window. The story, and likewise their relationship, had been coalescing quite nicely. Johanna had indeed been spending most of her free time in Abe's apartment. He had no objections. She got the hang of writing fiction (well, fact in fiction prose) and found it wasn't that far of a reach from things she had done in the past. The more they were together the more they found to love about one another and the more they wanted and indeed needed to be together. Johanna was a comfort to Abe when he was stressed out about deadlines and Abe was in turn a listening, concerned ear when Johanna needed to vent about politics in the workplace.

"Listen, Abe. I've got to ask you something." Abe gave her his attention but it was a moment before she spoke. "I... The... My nice little rent controlled refrigerator box is being torn down and turned into a condominium. I've been trying to find a place but I just can't. In another month I have to move out for good. Can I... I mean, if you don't want..." She was exasperated and truly nervous in front of Abe for the first time in a long time. They had only been together for five months, after all.

"You want to move in here?" Abe asked. Johanna nodded sheepishly. "Sure."

"That's it?" She asked, unwilling to believe him although Abe had never lied to her.

"Yeah, whatever you need, Johanna. If you want to find a new place, then fine. If you want to just stay here you can do that too."

Johanna had never thought about a permanent move into Abe's apartment. In truth she had dreaded having to think about asking him to live with her for even a few months. "You what?"

"If you want to move in, you can." She still could not believe the answer had come so easily.

"Well, it would just be for a little while...I wouldnt-"

"Johanna, relax." Abe took her in his arms and led her to the bed because it was about that time and he didnt feel like sitting at his desk anymore. "You know I love you. What do you think that means? I'll do whatever I can to help you with anything. Stay for as long as you want. I would love to have you. I can get you on the lease, if you want."

"Well, actually I never really thought more than a few months ahead, Abe. I didn't think of it as a permanent thing."

"It doesnt have to be. I don't mean to jump the gun. I just don't want you to think it's an inconvenience. Having you in my bed every night would be absolutely wonderful."

"You're absolutely wonderful." They made love with the lights burning and the bed made underneath them.


In the morning Johanna woke before Abe and got ready for school. She kissed his forehead on her way out the door and he stirred. She saw his eyes flutter open so she sat down beside him.

"Do you need help moving your stuff?" Abe said sleepily.

"Um, yeah. Thank you. Can you meet me after school?" He nodded. She slid down and nuzzled the smooth part of his neck for a moment. "I love you. I'll see you this afternoon."

"I love you too." He closed his eyes and Johanna kissed him again. Abe smiled and sighed with his eyes still closed.

"That's something," Elliott sighed and let out the rest of his breath with a nod of his head. He and Abe were sitting on the circa-1973 couch that took up a good portion of Elliott's makeshift living room in the front of the record store drinking coffee and watching over the empty establishment. Abe had just told Elliot about Johanna's move into his apartment which would be as official as it got later that afternoon when they moved her stuff into his place wherever it would fit.

"So you don't know if its going to be a permanent thing, hey?" Abe shook his head, not sure whether it would be or whether he wanted it to be. "Is she going to pay rent?"

Abe shook his head in question. "I never thought about it. Not if she only stays for a few months. It's not too hard to pull the wool over my landlord's eyes. She's been staying there most nights anyway. She'll need money for deposits and all that stuff if she finds somewhere new."

"But would you want it to be a permanent thing?" Abe thought that maybe Elliot had missed his calling after all. He told him he could be raking it in as a therapist.

"I don't know. Partly, yes. I love her and spend a lot of time with her and all that, but I've never done this before; lived with a woman. It's never come up. The 'no' side of me is mainly just scared, I guess. I'm seeing curtains and toilet shams and those cutesy little sock monkeys stuffed with beans or whatever that block drafts at the door."

"And how old is this girl? She looked young, but is she a friend of your grandmother's? Meet her at the nursing home and got cozy over Matlock, did you?"

Abe smiled and shook his head. "You see, my friend? I have no idea what I'm getting myself into here."

An actual patron of the variety that might actually buy a record miraculously clanged the bells on the door and the two sat up more out of surprise than an attempt to seem professional. Abe had always liked the fact that Elliot never hounded anyone in the store. Elliot in fact never even talked to anyone unless they approached him first. The most he ever did was change the music if he could peg the customer to a certain genre.

The guy (he looked like a White Stripes kind of guy) started rifling through cds somewhere in the vicinity of the M's (The Melvins, maybe?) And Elliot and Abe resumed both their terrible postures and conversation.

"You might have to put up with some potpourri in the bathroom or ornamental candles or some shit, but I don't think that's what you're really worried about. It's your space. You're a solitary dude. If she sees what you actually do all day she might take an inclination to turn you into a more productive member of society. Pretty soon you drink too much, you don't eat right, you never have anything nice to wear, here you thought you were doing fine then it turns out you're the most disgusting slob ever lotto-balled out of the gene pool."

"Thanks, man."

"No problem. I'm a little bit right though, arent I?"

"Well, she has been asking me why I don't take up a teaching gig. That's my fault, though. I mentioned it once, and she's a teacher, so..."

"Norman Rockwell shit. Mr. and Mrs. Thirty Thousand a Year." Elliot shook his head. "I wouldn't know, of course, but I think all women more or less do that, though. Maybe it's for our own good. There are some unhappy married guys out there, but there are a hell of a lot more slovenly single guys lolling around in a daze especially once you start looking up the road a decade or two. There are worse fates than doilies and a tie or two."

Melvins wandered up to the register with a cd which made Elliot get up with both of their coffee cups to ring him up the sale. It turned out to be a Porno for Pyros cd. Cake started on the stereo and so did the debate.

"I think as far as it goes, though, you go a decent one. She shouldnt start to go too haywire on you all at once." Abe nodded still no more sure of himself than when he had come into the store. Wasn't that the point of therapy?

"I don't know where in the world we're going to put all this stuff."

"You were really dreading having to ask me about moving in, weren't you?" Abe grunted and flopped a box of books into the back of his tired Subaru.

"How do you know that?"

"You asked me to move in last night and your stuff is already completely packed up? Either you're on meth or apprehension."

Johanna blushed and tried to cover her tracks with an enamored kiss. "Let me buy you dinner tonight. Some pasta, red wine...?"

Abe nodded again, always sheepish about handouts, especially from women. He trotted up the stairs to get another load.

Between two cars they had to make two tightly packed trips over to Abe's side of town to unload. Everything Johanna owned was piled in a haphazard mountain in the middle of Abe's hastily cleared and now useless living room. She hugged him gratefully as they surveyed the scene.

"Thank you, Abe. Come on. Don't worry about any of this. Let's go get something to eat." She took Abe's hand and escorted him down the stairs to her car. They drove to a quaint Italian place he had never made an acquaintance with and got a quiet table with candlelight and Sinatra cooing in their ears.

"This is nice, Johanna." She smiled at Abe's approval. She broke the bread the waiter had brought with the wine and gave him a piece before raising her glass.

"To love and generous hospitality." Abe nodded and chimed her glass with his. "I'll get that stuff organized this weekend so you can use your living room again."

"Fantastic. There are cocktail parties to host, after all." Abe was letting her know in his way that he was nonplused. She nodded her understanding. "Hmm. Well, I can help if you'd like. I've got nothing going on."

"You took the new book to Pete?" Abe nodded. "How did he take it?"

"He didn't really look at it. He knows what to expect by now, I guess."

"So, that three or so months of work will keep you going for the whole year, hey?"

"Well, it usually never happens that fast. I guess there's never any reason for it to. But I'm going to read over everything from our story. Other than new notes I haven't so much as glanced at it since I set it down last. I have to swim in it a little before I catch it up to date. Maybe start something else along the vein of the norm in case ours isn't the next one that comes out." Johanna nodded. Then he thought of something else. AI suppose I usually get the same amount of days off that you do, all in all. You get summers completely off, right?"

"Well, yes, but without a paycheck. End of June to the middle of August."

"That sounds about right, between writing and production and publicity and all. Not that I go on any worldwide promotional tours or anything. Posing for the jacket and sitting at a table in a few bookstores is about all I'm set up for. What do you do with yourself over the summer?"

"Oh, visit family; take a little trip somewhere maybe. Not much, usually. Like I said, you don't get paid if you don't work where I'm at." Abe nodded and they made more small talk until their food arrived.

"Well, I thank you for dinner, sweetheart. It was great."

'You're welcome." The chill wanted to be out of the air by then but only halfway into March it couldn't compete with nightfall so they followed the plumes of their breathing back to her car and then to Abe's apartment.

"Well, since you're staying here now I should probably make you up a cot or something..." Abe said with a smirk.

"You are such a tease. I'll sleep out here if you want. I don't think that's what you want, though, is it?" Johanna nestled into him and let her hands wander convincingly. All Abe could get out was a shaky 'no'. They barely made it to the bedroom.

Abe never had a problem reading any time of the day so it gave him a great sense of accomplishment to go over what he had written thus far on his pet project while his muse toiled over her possessions in the living room. He sipped coffee absently and furrowed his brow at the appropriate times so that to anyone looking in the window across from his desk Abe seemed deeply engaged. He was, to some extent. Part of the problem with reading what he had written was that he already knew what happened. He found himself wanting very badly to read what Johanna had written but that went against the essence of what they were trying to accomplish and was therefore impossible. Abe wondered if perhaps the impossibility is what made him want access in the first place. At any rate he knew that if his readers were half as interested in the unknown as he was they were sure to have a bestseller on their hands.


Abe needed it. He tactfully avoided bringing up the subject with Johanna but the fact was that the money was melting away from the hotplate of activity in his bank account faster than he could add to the pot. There was usually a low tide before the new moon of a book being published arose but in that instance it seemed to be an especially dry beach. Abe had examined things passively and decided that while some of it was due to going out a bit more with Johanna it was not all down to her. He had not given her anything but flowers here and there and a paltry Christmas present. Her birthday was coming up soon although he had not planned on breaking the bank with that celebration.

There were really no solid reasons; merely an accruement of little lapses. Abe supposed that the lapses came from a more care-free attitude since meeting Johanna. He was certainly happier with her than he had been alone and that was bound to lend him to a bit more frivolity. The nature of Abe's lifestyle meant that he had to be in control of what he was spending and know how much was left because of the lump sums he received as a primary sustenance. He wasn't sunk yet; if he watched himself he could right the spiral before it spun out of control. If this novel was anything near what Abe thought it might be...

He tried to put financial woes out of his head to concentrate on his draft. He doubted he had the patience to write any more fluff before the interesting work before him was finished so he knew he had to focus on the task at hand, as much as he could, during the day. Abe could hear Johanna huffing in the next room and was tempted to see if he could help but he knew he shouldn't and probably couldn't.

By the end of the afternoon Abe had a substantial portion of his work read and had even dabbled with a bit of obvious editing to where he had a pretty firm grip on the train of thought he had been on when he last started writing. Finishing up a bit that night would probably put him back in front of the computer before midnight.

About the time he decided he was finished for the day Johanna padded up from behind and put her arms around his shoulders to let him know she was done too.

"Hey there." Abe kissed her arm and leaned back into her. "Time to eat something?" He felt her nod and stood up. They went into the kitchen to rummage through cupboards Abe knew were mostly bare. He made no qualms about being a long-time bachelor. There was a half-empty box of minute rice from within the year along with a pair of cans boasting cling peaches and others that served mostly as ingredients for some greater good rather than a meal in themselves.

"We are going to have to go grocery shopping tomorrow." Johanna said with a hint of exasperation. Abe shrugged. "I don't want to go out, really. I'm kind of tired. Chinese?" Abe felt a pang where his bank account would have been but shrugged again. Johanna set to ordering and Abe crept into the living room to peek at the world of girl that had collided with his own.

Surprisingly, there were not curtains on the windows. No frill or potpourri had set out to brave a new life in the barren landscape of male nonchalance. He was oddly comforted that no flag of feminism had been planted in his world. Johanna's things were out but that was about all. Clothes were folded neatly in disposable cardboard drawers, her teaching materials were stacked against a wall, and there were still a number of boxes marked with words like 'kitchen' and 'fragile' that had not moved since being set down.

Johanna slipped beside him and gently took his hand. "You see, not scary." It was as if she had read his mind. "Food will be here in thirty." She craned up and kissed his cheek before slipping away. Abe heard the bathroom door open and close after a moment and was once again left alone to contemplate the ramifications of his decision.


True to her word dinner came when Johanna said it would and the two sat in the living room together passively watching a rerun of Conan on Comedy Central. It was those parts Abe liked; sitting with a girl he loved and liked, doing nothing important but importantly bonding just the same. Something would be different with Johanna in his life all the time. Abe was afraid those moments of togetherness would lose the special ness he had come to enjoy over the previous months and leave them both with a different kind of alone; a far worse loneliness where they both would know what they were missing. The irony is that they would be doing the exact same things they thought were so important before.

It wasn't as though Abe knew any of this from experience. Johanna was his longest relationship and a learning process every step of the way after the first few dates. He did know people, however, and he wrote about such things for a living.

Worrying about the future would not do any good. He sighed after finishing the last of one of the cartons and sat back into the couch. Johanna joined him and found a place under his collarbone. She didn't stay there long. Abe felt her scooch up against his arm until her lips barely met the top of his jaw.

"I love you, Abe. Thank you for this." An uncontrollable smile materialized on his face and he thought of the Shakespeare line about loving and losing although he put it into much gentler a context and found he had to agree with William on all counts. He told Johanna he felt the same. Were Conan able to recognize the two from the television he would have seen both their eyes glazing over simultaneously.

Another thing Abe noticed about an actual relationship was that sex was not nearly all it had been trumped up to be. He and Johanna still engaged in the act regularly, in fact to a degree that would make most singles weary to contemplate, but there were so many more nuances that he had never given a thought to that seemed to re-establish the same bonds sex had solidified. Lying naked and entwined before sleep took them over or feeling comfortable enough to say anything seemed to fit the bill just as well. Sex was fun, but it seemed more and more like the hard way to go about things. There were times Abe felt he may have missed his true calling of sociology where he could have more adeptly and objectively studied these strange new findings.


Johanna moved her things into the bathroom first. Like cobwebs that form unnoticed and only seem strange once set into the corners of a ceiling traces of the feminine persuasion appeared out of nowhere all throughout his apartment. In all honesty Abe found it calmly pleasing to see Johanna's half-read books on his night stand and her kate spade purse glaring with pink snake-skin trim slung over his coat rack. There was only a slight unrest in his mind when he saw a small framed trio of dried purple irises on his refrigerator.

Most of his life was about the same as normal. Johanna left his bed at seven in the morning though he always woke up to kiss her good morning before falling asleep. Abe woke up sometime around ten after writing until two the previous morning and went about his normal routine. He had coffee at the corner caf and philosophized with Elliott; he people-watched and filled his time with random errands elevated in importance by lack of anything better to fill his time.

Johanna came back to the apartment by four in the afternoon every day and they either made love or talked or stared at one another or all three. She had taken charge of Abe's dire pantry and cooked quick and simple meals most nights that Abe was very appreciative of. On weekdays Johanna would fade into the bedroom well before midnight leaving Abe in his element once again for a few hours. He found that even his writing time was being shortened because he wanted to be able to slip into bed early enough so that being awoken wouldn't upset Johanna. Abe came to find his favorite version of her was the sleepy, two-thirty in the morning Johanna. On weekends they would stay in bed far too late and spend the first part of the afternoon drinking coffee and reading magazines in the caf before either going out for dinner or renting older pop culture movies like and falling half-asleep on the couch.


After six weeks Abe had gotten so comfortable with the situation it suddenly surprised him to be thinking about whether Johanna would move in permanently. He had been enjoying the present so much that he hadn't given any thought to the future. He wondered whether Johanna had been looking for a new place at all. He knew he had not had his mind on much other than fluff for the last month and a half and so supposed he could not fault Johanna if she had done the same. However, suddenly staring into his house blend as if looking for the magic eight triangle to appear, he was confronted with the quandary. Did he want Johanna to move in? It seemed as though she wanted that and he hadn't given any indication of feeling anything to the contrary. The time they had spent in cohabitation had been wonderful. He would hate for it to end for no good reason. But if she was going to stay she would have to start paying bills and the like. It seemed only logical. All the initial unease Abe had felt in the beginning came creeping back as his coffee cooled.

Elliott would have something to say about this. Abe finished the rest of his breakfast with a sense of purpose and headed east to the record store.

The familiar bell rang him in and stirred Elliott from his newspaper. He gave a nod of recognition through redder eyes than usual. He looked like he recently woke up and was reluctant to accept the day.

"You look like shit, Elliott. When's the last time you went outside?" Elliott flipped Abe off without a smile.

"I took the garbage to the curb a few days ago." He huffed wearily.

"I think I'm going to ask Johanna to move in with me." Abe took a seat on the couch across from Elliotts easy chair and poured a cup of coffee.

"You've gone soft with sex and food, have you?"

"Ahh, perhaps that is not entirely untrue. But she has been with me for a month and a half. I could be saving a lot of money on rent."

"Objectively put. I don't, however, think objectivity is at the basis of the decision."

"That may have a shred of truth to it as well. The whole truth is that I really don't know what to do or think about any of it."

"I would pity you if you thought you did." He took a drag off his cigarette and stared thoughtfully at his half-empty cup of coffee. "Does your gut say stay or flee?"

"Stay," Abe said without hesitation.

"Well, a great man once wrote that after thinking with his gut his entire life, he came to the conclusion that his gut had shit for brains." Elliott drained his coffee with a slight grimace. "On the other hand, our basic instincts have gotten us this far as a species. Has she brought it up at all?"

"No. Johanna hasn't said a word about staying or leaving the entire time. No mention of going to look at places, no dreamy notions of becoming a homemaker, not a hint of insight. Perhaps she's waiting for me to bring it up."

"She may be uncomfortable with the whole situation. Feels she's mooching off you. Wants to live with you, just doesnt want to sway your opinion either way. Like you, honestly doesnt know. But I'm sure if you have enough in common to live together for this long she has thought about the situation. I think you should bring it up. The sooner the better. If it's eating at you then it's eating at her. There's no reason for both of you to be dancing around the issue when you could be discussing it. You are mature, rational adults, are you not?"

"I would like to think so. It's going to come up any ways, right?"

"It's gone on long enough for the pure novelty to wear off. Be advised, though: If she's got any girlish fancy to her then she has been entertaining thoughts of the two of you together for ever, ad infitum... No matter how clear-headed and logical she may seem or how fleeting those thoughts may be, they most likely have been mulled over. Emotion can of course always trump common sense. I would suggest you save the champagne until after a decision has been made." Abe nodded studiously and sighed.

"Anything interesting come in lately?"


Abe heard Johanna open the door that afternoon as he sat waiting for her and reading a Time magazine. The first of May meant that there was less time spent discarding cold-weather armor and she breezed into the living room shortly with only the ghost of her perfume giving her presence away. She kissed the edge of Abe's jaw before joining him on the couch with a sigh. Johanna did not ask Abe how his day went because she knew how it always went. Abe asked her instead.

"All right. The kids are getting antsier as the weather warms. Sometimes I just want to release them to the streets all day long."

"Well, a month and a half and you'll be on vacation, right?" Johanna nodded with another sigh. Abe launched into it like a child springing off a high-dive. ASpeaking of a month and a half, you've been here about that long now. Um, what are you thinking about doing?"

"Oh." Abe could tell he had caught her off-guard. Maybe she really had not been thinking about the situation as much as Elliott would have him believe. He suddenly felt a sinking need to clarify himself.

"I mean, because I've been thinking about it more and more. I didn't want to rush anything, but I wanted you to know it's on my mind."

"What exactly has been on your mind?" It was a bald, honet question that she asked looking straight-faced and into his gaze.

"Well, at first it was how much I liked having you here." Johanna cracked a smile until she remembered she was trying to keep her composure and erased it with a curt nod. "Then I started thinking I might like having you around all the time. That scared the life out of me and brought me off the cloud I was on and made me start thinking about how you might feel. I realized I had no idea. So I thought I would ask. What do you want?"

"It's been more difficult for me, because this is your apartment. It seems like your decision should have more weight than mine."

"Well, we're a partnership, right? I think your decision to live somewhere is at least as important as mine."


"Sometimes it seems like we've been together for so long, Abe. Sometimes it doesnt. Not even a year yet. I don't want this do be just for convenience. I want it to be because we both want it."

"Well, we have been sort of put into a situation, but I would like to think it doesnt matter how we got here, just that we're here."

"This isn't getting us anywhere. What do you want?"

Abe sighed heavily, more out of fear at the possible rejection of his feelings than anything. He finally spoke after a long staring contest with his knuckles. "I want you to stay."

"Really?" Johanna scrutinized Abe for a moment as if waiting for the punch line of a joke. "I kind of wanted to stay, too."

"I thought you might have."

"Really?" Abe knew what she meant.

"Really. Stay. Put potpourri in the bathroom and frilly things in the bedroom. Throw your laundry in with mine. Get a key made. Everything."

"I would never!" Johanna giggled before wrapping her arms around Abe. "I'm so happy you want me to stay!"

"That's...that's what it is." The realization that hit Abe could have only been more complete had a cartoon light bulb clicked on above his head.

"What?"

"That's what it is. That's why I want you to move in. Because it makes you happy. That's..." Johanna's eyes were trying to follow Abe's but getting lost. "You're happy... and that's why I am. Is this what it's all about?"

"Did you just say that out loud? I love you, Abe."

"I... I love you too, Johanna." Johanna buried herself in Abe but his mind was still swimming in realization. He had told Johanna that he loved her dozens of times before but it was nothing like what had just happened. What had just happened? It was easier to give into Johanna's embrace than to think about.